My hands feel very full right now.
I have a son who just turned 4 years old, a 20 month old son, & a 6 week old daughter. My maternity leave just ended so I’m jumping back into the “real world” a bit this week. My to-do list is growing & growing. My responsibilities seem to have tripled in this new exciting, yet daunting season for our family. in short, I feel out of control in many ways.
My natural tendency when my hands feel full is to also feel overwhelmed & to want control of all aspects of my life. Ironically I want the most control, when I have the least. Do you ever feel that way in your life?
Maybe it’s treatments that don’t go as you expect. Or bills piling up with no way of paying. Or kids acting out at home & school because mommy or daddy is sick. Or an ache in your heart to be healed from this pain. Maybe your spouse is sick & you don’t know how to best love & support them or your kids or care for yourself in this journey.
Whatever your story or circumstance, we all have a common link: a desire to control. I think I can write this script for my life better than my Creator. I do. I spend everyday handing over the “pen” again & trusting that He has my best interest in mind. Even in this. Even when I’m overwhelmed & my hands feel very full… with good & hard things.
So how do we have “open hands” when we have really full hands? We look to the One who made us. The One who knows our desires & loves us deeply & wants us to hand over the control. I have to remind myself that I am only human & flawed. I cannot make the best decisions for my family, myself, & those around me. I have the option of handing over control to the One who is perfect & who has an eternal perspective, always.
Practically in my life lately this has looked like taking each moment as it comes, stepping back, reflecting on my emotions, & being honest with myself & my God. After assessing the curveball thrown my way, I take it to God & lay it before Him. I tell him it feels like too much for me to handle & that it even makes me angry. He miraculously calms every fear & doubt in my soul. He meets me there in it. He has been there… He has walked this earth & felt every bit of suffering we have felt, do feel, & will feel. He makes it all new. He changes my heart to be grateful in the chaos. He calms the storm. He rescues me from my mess.
So, for me, having “open hands” when my hands feel so full that they might explode looks like unclinching my fists, letting go, & releasing the grip of control to my Creator. It doesn’t mean I don’t have a swirling mixture of emotions in my heart, it just means I admit that I cannot do anything to solve the problem, I can only surrender to it & live in the moment, soaking it all in, & finding the beauty in the mess.
I remember that He loved me before He knew me… even more than I loved my little ones before I knew them.