I had scanxiety.  I didn’t sleep much … just thinking and thinking.  Looking at the clock at 1:45, 3:00, 4:00.  I could feel changes in my body.  For one, I didn’t hurt in my breast or side anymore.  My back still hurt, but not in the same location, and I was pretty sure that it was more muscular pain … or lack thereof.

I was really hoping that eighteen weeks of Taxol and seven infusions of two other drugs had done the trick.  If I wasn’t Ned (no evidence of disease), maybe I’d still be hanging out with Reggie (regression) or meeting up with stable boy (stable).  I honestly felt really good about everything, but for some reason I still had the anxiety.  Maybe it was just due to not knowing what treatment was next.  I would be really nervous if I did nothing except stay on my two drugs … guess that would feel like not fighting hard enough?

There is a website I go to that has a stage 4 forum.  It is really interesting.  Women from around the world leaning, loving, and learning from each other.  It’s also a little heart-wrenching.  If I weren’t on so many meds I would just cry and cry.  I appreciate the boards, though, because people say just about any thought that goes through their mind.

It is weird that strangers understand better than family and friends.  Until you have had cancer, you don’t know what it feels like.  You may understand, but the feeling is different.  I don’t know how else to say that.  If you have had chemo, then you know how it feels … well heck, that’s not even true because there are so many different kinds of chemo.  And then even on the same chemo, every person responds differently.

This is just such a strange journey I am on.  Not one I ever thought I would be on.  It has made my marriage stronger.  It has helped me to see and hear from friends I had lost touch with.  It makes me appreciate my physical self … what I used to be and gives me a goal to get back into shape.  That is really important to me.  I don’t know why facing your own mortality makes you want to travel, but it does.

I’ve always appreciated each day and lived it to the fullest.  I try to see the positive in every situation, but I don’t think I’ll ever feel positive about this disease.  It’s amazing how many lives have been affected.

As you can see, my thoughts are everywhere … I have more thoughts, but will stop now before I get lost.  I’m going to go take my medicine and then snuggle up with my best friend.  I’ll say a few more prayers and ask God to give us all strength for the days ahead!

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.  And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  – Philippians 4:5-6

Kristin attended Inheritance of Hope’s Legacy Retreat® in May 2013 with her husband and two children.