Ellie Ledin (00:00.334)
Okay, well, welcome to the Inheritance of Hope podcast. Why don't you introduce yourself to the listeners?
Joe Quirarte (00:09.168)
My name is Joe Chiarte. I am a 20-year Army veteran, just retired in September of 2024. And two months after I retired, I was diagnosed with glioblastoma, a terminal brain tumor. And I am Ashley Chiarte, Joe's wife, former school counselor, turned stay-at-home mom, caregiver.
and coordinator of all things for Joe and our three-year-old son and one-year-old daughter.
Ellie Ledin (00:41.462)
Well, I'm so glad to have you on the podcast today. Actually, funny enough, you are, I think, our second family to do a legacy song. So you kind of were our guinea pig family to do that. And actually, when you said, hey, can I send over pictures for the song? I was like, that's a great idea. We should actually start collecting pictures from every family. So you kind of helped shape.
Joe Quirarte (00:53.639)
wow.
Ellie Ledin (01:09.516)
that program, which, yeah, it's kind of brand new with this podcast. So, yeah, I'm so excited to dive in because I feel like I know you. I feel like I know some of your inside jokes because of the legacy song. yeah, it's so funny because sometimes I'll be going about my day and I'll be like humming a song and like, what is that? And like, that's a legacy song. And sometimes it's yours or sometimes it's in other families. But, yeah.
Joe Quirarte (01:10.245)
that's awesome.
Joe Quirarte (01:23.143)
I'm not gonna that.
Joe Quirarte (01:33.643)
You
Yeah.
Ellie Ledin (01:39.17)
What I would love to hear your journey, just kind of take that and run with it however much you want to share, like what has living with illness looked like or what has your story been in a longer form than what you just shared?
Joe Quirarte (01:56.912)
Yeah. Yeah. so like I said, I retired from the army in September of 2024. and we were, we flew to Michigan to, visit her mom for a month. And then we flew to California, like 20 minutes south of San Francisco to visit our, my family and friend, like my side of family and friends. and that's when I had a seizure, and it turns out that an MRI showed that I had the glioblastoma. and so we were just,
ending one chapter of our lives, know, retiring from the army and we were getting ready to start applying for jobs as civilians for the first time. And that all came to a screeching halt when we found out that I had this glioblastoma tumor. Luckily, as my doctor put it, you got the worst possible diagnosis at the best possible location. Because UCSF is like one of the world leaders in glioblastoma treatments and
Ellie Ledin (02:47.768)
Wow.
Joe Quirarte (02:53.796)
They were saying like UCLA, UCSF and Duke have the most proven track records of keeping people alive the longest with the best quality of life after a glioblastoma diagnosis anywhere in the world. Like those are the top three facilities. And so we as a family made a decision that this one month visit was gonna turn into, we're actually now house hunting here.
Ellie Ledin (03:07.47)
Hmm.
Ellie Ledin (03:14.904)
Wow.
Joe Quirarte (03:23.152)
to try to stay as close as possible to UCSF. And so it's kind of, it's turned everything around in our lives. We had all these plans of applying for federal jobs in Asia or wherever our careers took us, we were ready to go. We met in Hawaii and then we got stationed in Germany. While we were in Germany, we visited over 25 countries.
And so we just love travel. actually got, she got the travel, I got the travel bug from her. and, but yeah, it's, it's changed everything, the whole trajectory of what we thought our lives were going to look like. now the, doctors are telling me that I, with my particular variant of glioblastoma, I'm looking at about three to five years left to live. but I recently got approved for this device called op, I'm on a beanie right now, but it's a device called Optune.
Ellie Ledin (03:57.164)
you
Ellie Ledin (04:19.662)
Mm.
Joe Quirarte (04:21.04)
and it goes on your head and it sends pulsating electrical currents through your brain and it actually kills fast multiplying tumor cells while leaving slow growing brain cells, like healthy brain cells alone. And so while my diagnosis is still terminal, this machine is FDA approved to add months, if not years, to that three to five month.
Ellie Ledin (04:38.594)
Hmm.
Joe Quirarte (04:49.678)
I'm sorry, three to five year diagnosis. And so it's a little inconvenient to wear around all the time. But like I said, I'll dress up as Bozo the Clown if it means that I get to have more time with my kids. And thank God for this woman right here because between chemo and radiation and doctor visits and pills and then I had a kidney issue and she has been keeping our family running smoothly.
Ellie Ledin (04:52.789)
Yeah.
Ellie Ledin (05:02.062)
Yeah.
Joe Quirarte (05:19.618)
It's kind of cliche to say like I can't do this without you. I literally couldn't do this without her. She's definitely been a rock with her family and just pours love and dedication into everything. So I love you. I love you too.
Ellie Ledin (05:23.342)
Mm.
Ellie Ledin (05:37.354)
man, wow, what a journey. mean, I'm sure as you were approaching 20 years retirement, I can only imagine the dreams, the next steps, the planning and excitement that came only to quickly need to pivot. Yeah, what were some of the things that you were hoping for and dreaming for that you've now had to pivot and what are some of the things that you've learned along the way?
Joe Quirarte (06:04.804)
Yeah, so think our biggest thing was, you know, we were just gonna take this time, this couple months, and really just visit family. We'd been living in Germany for five years, so both of our kids were born there, and we really just wanted our moms in particular to have a chance to spend some long time with our kids. And then that next phase was supposed to be...
you know, moving somewhere else and starting new jobs. And we had hoped to go to Asia to continue working as federal civilians and do more travel there. And so when we left Germany, actually our entire house was packed up and sent to long-term storage with the military. And we were at my mother-in-law's house when Joe got diagnosed. And so what has started as a one month
trip to my mother-in-law's house in the Bay Area, we've now been living here for almost six months. And then my mom moved from Michigan in to help us as well. And so now we have three generations living in a home. We still don't have our household goods because there's nowhere to put them in my mother-in-law's house. And so it really felt like when Joe got diagnosed that everything just came to a screeching halt.
Ellie Ledin (07:14.252)
haha
Ellie Ledin (07:18.648)
Yeah.
Joe Quirarte (07:28.908)
and we were kind of just in crisis mode for so many months. And then now we're kind of slowly starting to find a new rhythm and completely reevaluating like, okay, what is the rest of Joe's life gonna look like? How does that look like for me and the kids? And trying to just kind of come up with this new normal of where we're gonna live and...
Ellie Ledin (07:29.155)
Hmm.
Ellie Ledin (07:52.6)
Mm-hmm.
Joe Quirarte (07:56.837)
how we wanna spend our time going forward as a family.
Ellie Ledin (08:01.974)
Yeah. Man, so you said you had a seizure and then that's kind of what triggered or, you know, got you into the hospital and diagnosed. Was there anything to like hint at any problems before that seizure?
Joe Quirarte (08:19.196)
Nothing. I was, I remember I was in the living room and I started feeling a little dizzy, just sitting down, you know, and then I started feeling nauseous and I was like, man, I'm gonna go to the bathroom. I don't, maybe I ate something bad or something. And I start walking down the hallway to go to the bathroom and I'm starting to lose my balance. Like I was having to prop myself up like on the wall just to get down the hallway.
And I don't remember this part, but you know Ashley said that I was starting to like say things that didn't make any sense, you know And I just remember telling her like hey something's not right. Something's wrong and and That's kind of the last thing I remember is telling my wife like hey something is not right Like I don't feel right something's weird and what it was come to find out It was the brain tumor putting pressure on my brain
Ellie Ledin (09:16.29)
Wow.
Joe Quirarte (09:16.656)
and just really like messing things up in there, throwing off my balance, throwing off my speech, making me feel nauseous. And then after that, you'd have to ask her what happened, because I don't remember much of it. Yeah, so we ended up calling 911 and the wonderful firefighters and paramedics came out and Joe was complaining of a metallic taste in his mouth. so the firefighters, know, nobody's first.
inclination is, this healthy 38 year old. Good looking. Yeah, very good looking. know, recently retired soldier has, you know, a terminal illness. The firefighters thought that he had the flu, actually. They were like, you know, the flu's been going around. This was November and the metallic taste in his mouth. They were like, he might just be a little dehydrated.
Ellie Ledin (10:01.943)
Hmm.
Joe Quirarte (10:11.284)
and come to find out a metallic taste in your mouth can sometimes be a precursor to a seizure. And so it was almost bedtime. My mother-in-law was here. They were like, you know, we're just going to take him to the hospital just in case, but they're probably going to give him some fluids and he'll be home tonight. And so my mother-in-law said, why don't you put the kids to bed? I'll take Joe to the hospital. I'll wait with him and then we'll be back in a couple hours. So I said, OK, great.
She followed the ambulance. They took him to a local hospital. know, it took me, we had at the time an 11 month old and a newly turned three year old. And so it took me a good hour and a half to put him to bed. And by the time I did that, I looked at my phone, which had been in the living room. And my mother-in-law had called me a bunch of times and sent a text that said, hey, call me right away. And I was like, what? You know, this point still thinking,
Ellie Ledin (11:05.998)
Mm.
Joe Quirarte (11:07.864)
Jo was getting some fluids and probably had the flu. And I called her and over the course of just that hour and a half, Jo had had a seizure in the hospital and was actually intubated. Yeah. And to go from, think your husband has the flu, to he's intubated and hearing the doctor say the next couple hours are gonna really determine how he does from here.
Ellie Ledin (11:21.784)
Whoa. Wow.
Joe Quirarte (11:38.288)
And so he was, yeah, essentially in a medically induced coma and ended up waking up the next day. And we had no idea what was going on. At this point, doctors thought that there was something going on with the brain. They did a CT scan and Joe had recently had some dental work done. And so their first guess was that maybe he had had a dental abscess.
Ellie Ledin (11:38.38)
Wow.
Joe Quirarte (12:07.588)
that had spread to the brain. And at that point, you know, we're nervous that it's anything to do with the brain, but the neurologist was, you know, pretty confident that, okay, an abscess will go in, we'll do brain surgery, but we can get it out and that'll be the end of it. And then we did the MRI to get some more information. And that's when the neurosurgeon came in.
Ellie Ledin (12:08.046)
Hmm.
Joe Quirarte (12:35.032)
and said, hey, the MRI, we think it's glioblastoma. Don't get me started on Dr. Sakamoto. Edit that out, please. Edit that out. He's got his medical degree in a crackerjack box. I'll get to him. So yeah, so the first neurosurgeon that we saw came in.
Ellie Ledin (12:41.166)
You
Ellie Ledin (12:49.944)
Yeah
Joe Quirarte (12:55.784)
And I'll never forget this. We were there and we were kind of laughing. Joe was being discharged from the hospital, so we were optimistic. And he said, hey, you guys are gonna wanna sit down. And we were like, okay. And so we sat down and he said, based on the MRI, we think it's glioblastoma and we think Joe probably only has 12 to 18 months to live. And I think when you're faced with...
such a shocking diagnosis like that. It was like, mean, you you hear people say time stood still and that's really what it felt like. Like it just was so shocking. You never expect to hear that your healthy 38 year old husband is going to die soon. And our cousin who has been a wonderful support for us throughout this whole thing, I just remember feeling
Ellie Ledin (13:36.696)
Hmm.
Joe Quirarte (13:52.634)
her squeeze my hand next to me and then I just had this overwhelming feeling of, my gosh. And I just went and I sat next to Joe on the bed and...
It's really, it's undescribable. It's undescribable what that feels like. And in a moment, just every hope, plan, dream you had for your life screeches to a halt and completely changes. And we have since, since meeting with that first neurosurgeon, have gotten second, third, fourth, fifth opinions. From leaders in the field.
Ellie Ledin (14:12.792)
Yeah.
Ellie Ledin (14:23.15)
Mmm.
Joe Quirarte (14:39.45)
who have all kind of refused to put a timeline on Joe. And that has been really helpful for us because there is a lot of information out there about glioblastoma, but Joe is significantly younger than the average age of diagnosis. He's healthier. There have been new developments in the field just in the past couple of years.
Ellie Ledin (14:42.542)
Hmm.
Joe Quirarte (15:06.776)
And we've since learned how important mindset is. And, you know, we refuse to believe that Joe isn't going to be here in a year. We live our lives and we plan for things. And that's been instrumental to us. You know, we still have fun. We have things to look forward to. We are not living our lives like he's dying.
Ellie Ledin (15:10.466)
Hmm.
Ellie Ledin (15:34.371)
Hmm.
Joe Quirarte (15:34.692)
We are living every day as two parents to two young kids. And we take each day as it comes. And that's, I feel like the only way we're able to get through this. We're not living the Tim McGraw song quite yet, you know? Yes, yes. No, no, no. Still not going skydiving, no. Yeah, no, like that first doctor, turns out he is a...
Ellie Ledin (15:49.006)
Yeah, not going skydiving or...
Joe Quirarte (16:03.564)
neurosurgeon, but he is not specifically a brain tumor doctor. And so I don't know if he Googled glioblastoma and just read me off the Wikipedia page or what, but he said, you guys have about a year to a year, or you, you guys, he said, you have about a year, year and a half to live. And obviously we're in panic mode now, right? And so,
He was like, yeah, I can schedule you as early as Tuesday and we can take this thing out of you and you're looking at about a year, year and a half left to live. And then we, so we started calling around. like, there's gotta be better treatments, better, there's gotta be something else out there. And it turns out that that's when we found out that Duke, UCSF and UCLA are leading the world in glioblastoma research, treatments, longevity and quality of life. So we just happened to.
live 20, 25 minutes away from UCSF. So we called them and we said, Hey, here's what's going on. and so we met with Dr. Berger, and Dr. Theo, and they said, essentially like that first doctor is incorrect, right? Like he's, he's kind of giving you general statistics for 65 year old plus, you know, patients and
Ellie Ledin (17:19.576)
Hmm.
Ellie Ledin (17:25.87)
Hmm.
Joe Quirarte (17:26.274)
And they assured me, they're like, hey, we are leading the world in this kind of thing, and we have patients that are kept alive for years after this, right? Like, we have some glioplastoma, we don't know what variant I had yet, because they hadn't taken it out, and then the pathology and all that, but they said, we have people surviving five, 10, 15 years with this. And so I was like, wow, that was a huge relief. I mean, when a doctor tells you you have five to 10 years left, and you're 38 years old,
Ellie Ledin (17:45.838)
Wow.
Ellie Ledin (17:49.592)
Mm.
Joe Quirarte (17:55.992)
Initially doesn't sound great. But after you've been told you have one year, yeah five to ten sounds great. good And so So yeah, that that was a big relief. I'm glad we we decided to switch to go to UCSF They they are specifically glioblastoma and brain tumor doctors and dr. Berger at UCSF who performed my surgery actually
Ellie Ledin (17:57.902)
Right. Yeah.
Yeah.
Ellie Ledin (18:06.734)
Hmm.
Ellie Ledin (18:15.811)
Mm.
Joe Quirarte (18:22.416)
pioneered the craniotomy technique used to take this thing out of my head. It was about, was slightly larger than a golf ball and it was right above my right ear over here. Luckily that part of your brain doesn't control motor functions, know, speech, arm and extremity movements and all that. So it was a pretty safe surgery to take that out.
Ellie Ledin (18:27.512)
Wow.
Ellie Ledin (18:46.03)
Hmm.
Joe Quirarte (18:51.098)
But you know, this glioblastoma, it's been known to pop up on the brain stem, on the spine, you know, some inoperable places. So as bad of a diagnosis as it was, it was actually, I got lucky that it grew where it did because it was relatively safe to take out without too many consequences. Yeah, Joe had fabulous neurosurgeons who were able to do what's called a super resection. So they took out all the tumor plus a little bit extra.
Ellie Ledin (18:57.838)
Mm.
Ellie Ledin (19:06.254)
Hmm.
Ellie Ledin (19:11.342)
Yeah. Oh man.
Joe Quirarte (19:21.392)
And then he had a fabulous radiologist. He's done radiology and chemotherapy and for the most part has tolerated all of that really well. And so it's a very unique place to be when you you or your spouse has a terminal illness, but they look good. And you know, we've heard that so many times from people.
Ellie Ledin (19:41.646)
Right.
Joe Quirarte (19:50.416)
I mean, I've always thought you've looked good. You wanna go to dinner tonight? We've heard that from so many people, like, looks so good, he sounds so good. And it's bittersweet because I'm so thankful that he is, of course, that we're still able to lead our normal, quote unquote, lives. Our new normal. Our new normal, yeah, new normal. But also, he's not good.
Ellie Ledin (19:59.106)
Mm.
Joe Quirarte (20:19.436)
So it's trying to kind of balance that and remain hopeful and optimistic, but also realistic. Just a lot of different mixed feelings that I feel like only people in this space can truly understand how that feels and what that looks like. I think the weirdest, I'm sorry.
Ellie Ledin (20:19.736)
Yeah.
Ellie Ledin (20:42.082)
Yeah, man, no, go ahead.
Joe Quirarte (20:45.846)
I think the weirdest part about like, like she was just alluding to, I don't feel like I have a terminal brain tumor, right? Like, mean, I'm a little bit more tired than I used to be. I take naps in the middle of the day and a little bit harder to wake up in the daytime. And that's a combination of, you know, the cancer and the drugs that I'm on. But I don't feel like I have a terminal brain tumor. We still take our kids out in the backyard and to the beach and play. We take them to birthday parties. We
just had a surprise birthday party for my brother and Ashley's planning a baby shower for my brother's fiance. Life feels kind of normal. I don't feel like I have three to five years left to live. Our diagnosis was in November of 2024 and here we are in May of 2025. It still almost doesn't feel real.
Ellie Ledin (21:26.072)
Yeah.
Ellie Ledin (21:42.926)
Hmm. Yeah.
Joe Quirarte (21:45.104)
I don't feel like I'm dying, you know? It's the strangest feeling in the... I almost wish that there were... like...
more symptoms to make this real. Because sometimes I'm like, was this all a dream? I'll wake up in the morning feeling great. I'll play with my son. I get him ready for school in the morning. I drop him off. We lead relatively normal lives, you know? And unfortunately, this is a terminal diagnosis. So this new machine that I'm wearing will hold off a tumor for a little bit. And when the tumor does grow back, which this one does 100 % of the time, glioblastoma,
Ellie Ledin (21:59.938)
Hmm.
Joe Quirarte (22:23.212)
We do have options. If it's been over a year since your last radiation, you can receive more radiation. They can also put you on high dose chemo. If it grows back in the same spot, especially this is like real safe spot, 80 % of the time these things grow back exactly where they were taken out of. So if it does grow back there, then another resection removal surgery is an option. But eventually this thing is gonna catch up to me.
And we don't know if that's in one, three, five years, you know, but like she said, we're just trying to live life as normal as possible, especially for the kids. Take them to the beach, take them to the park, know, take them to birthday parties, preschool and all that. But yeah. Yeah, Joe has an MRI every two to three months. And so.
Ellie Ledin (23:08.494)
Hmm
Joe Quirarte (23:19.14)
we've kind of started to experience what some people call like scan anxiety because you know, it is coming back. We just don't know when. So every MRI, we're like, is this going to be it? Or if any of his symptoms change a little bit, we were like, is this an indication that it's back? And so sometimes it kind of just feels like we're living from one scan to the next and trying to create this sense of normalcy in between.
Ellie Ledin (23:23.79)
Mmm.
Ellie Ledin (23:31.886)
Yeah.
Ellie Ledin (23:43.854)
Mm.
Ellie Ledin (23:49.42)
Yeah. My goodness. Talk about a roller coaster, like from the beginning, thinking it's the flu and then almost being discharged and then given this like terminal sentence almost and then some hope and then the scan anxiety. What would you tell other people now that you're, you know, like months into this who are maybe just starting their journey?
Joe Quirarte (24:07.994)
Yeah.
Ellie Ledin (24:16.647)
and feeling that tension and the anxiety and the hope. It's kind of a tug of war.
Joe Quirarte (24:22.03)
Yeah, I think, I joined a glioblastoma support group on Facebook. They had like thousands of people in it. And I think one of the first things I read on there, it has really stuck with me. And that was, somebody posted something to the effect of, there are people who die instantly and unexpectedly in car accidents every day. They have no opportunity to get their affairs in order to make.
to say their goodbyes, to make memories and all that. And so being told that I have three to five years, while that isn't ideal, I have a chance to do all three of those. So I actually feel, in an odd way, I do feel blessed that, you know, because most people don't know when their time is. I do, generally speaking, barring any kind of new drugs or treatments or whatever that can extend that out. But the fact that I know a general timeline,
has actually been a little bit comforting in a strange way. I'll never forget, the doctor told us, our radiation oncologist told us with your specific variant, you're looking at about three to five years left to live. Because glioblastoma is one of the most aggressive brain tumors, and I have one of the most aggressive variants of that brain tumor. And so...
Ellie Ledin (25:24.867)
Yeah.
Joe Quirarte (25:46.264)
We were just kind of like stuck in our chairs for a few minutes, just crying and hugging and all that. And then we booked tickets to Hawaii. And it's like, you know what? Hey, let's let's, know, we booked tickets to Disneyland. We, you know, went to the Great Wolf Lodge. We, know, like, so we're just going to make as many memories as possible. And I consider ourselves blessed that we have a chance to get our affairs in order and make memories and all that. So.
Ellie Ledin (25:53.335)
Hahaha
Love.
Mm.
Joe Quirarte (26:15.108)
So while it does stink, you know, that we have, that I have possibly three to five years left, I also have a chance to, you know, make some memories and get our affairs in order and make sure that we're financially okay. My number one concern now is making sure that my family is set up for success once I do pass, you know? And so we've been focusing on that, especially financially and, you know.
Ellie Ledin (26:17.856)
Mm-hmm.
Ellie Ledin (26:35.022)
Hmm.
Joe Quirarte (26:40.56)
We're living with my mother-in-law right now, so we're house hunting, which is not easy in California. But yeah, so that would be my one bit of advice to anybody who's just starting this journey is once you get over the shock of it all, and there is a shock period, try to count your blessings. You get an opportunity to get your affairs in order and to make memories and to say goodbyes and to...
Ellie Ledin (26:45.355)
Mm-hmm.
Ellie Ledin (27:03.054)
Mm.
Joe Quirarte (27:09.346)
and to do all of that. so that's the silver lining that I've.
Ellie Ledin (27:13.944)
Yeah.
Joe Quirarte (27:14.668)
And I think for the caregiver, the spouse, my biggest piece of advice would be create your village. And sometimes that's, you know, intrinsic. We've been lucky that we've had a lot of amazing family and friends in the area. Not everybody has that. That's a big reason. Another big reason why we decided to stay in the Bay Area is because this is where people are at. But if you don't have that, create that.
Ellie Ledin (27:44.654)
Mm.
Joe Quirarte (27:44.752)
I've found so much comfort and camaraderie in different online Zoom support groups, both that are brain tumor specific and that are just partners who also have a young child who have a spouse or a partner with brain cancer. So, and I get different things from both of those groups. And then our friends and family, you know, I have certain friends who I know that
Ellie Ledin (28:01.582)
Mm.
Joe Quirarte (28:13.42)
I can reach out any time of day and that they'll hear me out and listen to me vent. And then I have other friends and family that I know if we need help cleaning the house or logistic help or making phone calls or trying to contact insurance companies, then those are my go-to people. And so I think that physical village as much as that psychological village.
Ellie Ledin (28:35.566)
Yeah.
Joe Quirarte (28:42.178)
is just so important because it's already hard to be a parent with young kids and to have your village, you know, that in of itself is, you know, just two small kids day in and day out. It's taxing and then add in, you know, such a complex medical diagnosis. And it's just downright overwhelming. And so you have to have people.
Ellie Ledin (28:58.498)
Yeah.
Joe Quirarte (29:10.832)
that you can lean on, either that are your family or your created family, and that are either in person or virtual, that can help you because you can't do it alone.
Ellie Ledin (29:24.738)
Yeah. Yeah, I feel like the whenever anyone goes through hardship, doing it alone makes it so much harder. You know, that's just an additional burden to carry, which if you have people to kind of carry the load with you, that makes all the difference.
Joe Quirarte (29:33.722)
Yeah.
Joe Quirarte (29:44.452)
Yeah, yeah. And it's hard, I think, for some people to know how to help. And it's hard for some people to be in this space. There's a lot of grief. And not everyone can be in the trenches with you, but maybe they can set up a meal train. Maybe they can start your GoFundMe. Maybe they can call the insurance companies for you.
Ellie Ledin (29:49.955)
Yeah.
Joe Quirarte (30:12.112)
So I think it's really kind of trying to figure out what the people in your life's strengths are and trying to play to those strengths. Yeah, yeah, because we have to have help. We have to.
Ellie Ledin (30:29.25)
Yeah. Yeah. And it sounds like with having almost a timeline placed in front of you unwillingly, essentially, like no one wants to hear that. It sounds like your perspective has been so focused on legacy and building something that will last. And it's interesting to hear you say that too, because
at Inheritance of Hope, I oversee the legacy video programs and now the podcasts and legacy songs. So all these things that are very focused on intentional storytelling and being very awake and aware to your legacy.
And anytime I tell a healthy person about it, they're like, that's nice and move right along. But it's the people who have the timelines placed in front of them who are just more wide awake to the fact that every day you are building a legacy, whether you are aware of it or not. So you get to have an active choice in what legacy you're building and what you're doing. And you made a legacy video. Is that correct?
Joe Quirarte (31:14.212)
Thank
Joe Quirarte (31:26.0)
Mm-hmm.
Joe Quirarte (31:37.039)
Mm-hmm.
Ellie Ledin (31:37.738)
Yeah, can you speak on your perspective on legacy building in this time?
Joe Quirarte (31:44.534)
Yeah, I think my biggest motivator, well my biggest motivator is sitting right next to me. But one of my biggest motivators to do all this with the legacy song, the legacy video, and Ashley has also got some cards, some...
Ellie Ledin (31:52.056)
Thank
Joe Quirarte (32:04.442)
Happy 18th birthday, happy wedding day, happy things that I won't be around for that I can write to my kids so she can give them to them on this birthday or this special event or this. To be honest with you, that didn't even cross my mind. I was thinking like, hey, let's record everything so that the kids have something to watch afterwards. Let's record dad playing on the beach with them or something like that.
Ellie Ledin (32:29.358)
Mm-hmm.
Joe Quirarte (32:30.128)
But I love this idea because my cousin Amy lost her dad when she was, I believe, eight or nine years old. He died by suicide. And she had no audio of him at all. She had, I mean, boxes and boxes and boxes of pictures, right? But we're talking the early 2000s, so there wasn't a bunch of iPhones around, everything was getting recorded and everything. And then recently, like a couple months ago,
Ellie Ledin (32:43.34)
Hmm.
Joe Quirarte (32:58.848)
We found some VHS tapes in my mom's garage and sent them in to get digitized and they had a lot of videos of her dad at Christmas or her dad at you know a family Christmas party or a birthday party or or on the on the the houseboat or something like that and She just bawled and bawled and bawled and she goes I have not heard my dad's voice since I was nine years old and so
Ellie Ledin (33:09.858)
Wow.
Ellie Ledin (33:19.598)
Mm.
Ellie Ledin (33:25.39)
Mm.
Joe Quirarte (33:26.05)
when Ashley said, there's this thing called legacy video that the kids could watch and everything. like, this is like, I don't want my kids to forget the sound of my voice, you know, if you will. when, if the timeline is correct, they're giving me three to five years that I mean, at best five years, my son is gonna be eight and my daughter is gonna be what right around six, you know? And so, I mean,
Ellie Ledin (33:36.311)
Yeah.
Ellie Ledin (33:52.899)
Wow.
Joe Quirarte (33:54.7)
even younger than when my cousin lost her dad and she doesn't remember his voice until she saw those videos. And so I really want to leave the kids with something to hold on to. Tangible. Tangible, yeah. And so I really loved the legacy video of tell me your story from growing up until how we got here now and what do you hope for your kids? What are your dreams for your kids?
Ellie Ledin (34:10.498)
Yeah.
Joe Quirarte (34:21.904)
And I would love for my kids to watch that one day and just have something to hold on to and know who dad was. What does dad believe in? What did dad want for us? What were his hopes and dreams and goals and everything? And my hopes and dreams is just that my kids are happy and successful and respectful and respected members of society and 49ers fans. I told my wife.
Ellie Ledin (34:32.27)
Mm-hmm.
Ellie Ledin (34:47.086)
It's very important.
Joe Quirarte (34:50.768)
I told my wife when my son was born, said, look, I don't care if he ends up being gay or straight, Democrat, Republican, none of that matters. was like, so long as he's not a Seahawks fan, right? Like that's, that's, that's what's important to me. So long as he, you raised him as a 49ers fan, you know, if anything happens to me, then I'm okay. But I, uh, I also married a Detroit Lions fan, you know, and I told you she's from Michigan. So.
Ellie Ledin (35:00.803)
no.
Ellie Ledin (35:09.088)
You
my gosh.
Joe Quirarte (35:19.76)
Thanks for swallowing that pill,
know that our kids are going have so many questions. That is going to be just a given that they're going to have so many questions and they're going to want to know everything about their dad. They're going to want to know what was his personality like? How did he face challenges? What were his hopes and dreams? Why did he choose you as a partner in life, Because she's a smoke show. Look at her.
Ellie Ledin (35:28.717)
Mm-hmm.
Ellie Ledin (35:49.07)
You
Joe Quirarte (35:52.408)
And there's never gonna be a scenario where I have too much of Joe to share. I think it's impossible to summarize a life and a person, and especially as a person who just lives so large as Joe. He just, I mean, he truly is larger than life. And we're never gonna be able, we're never gonna be able to fully.
Ellie Ledin (35:59.427)
Right.
Joe Quirarte (36:21.036)
summarize and share. But having as much as we can to remember him and to share with the kids, I think will mean everything to us. Having the video, having the song, having cards, pictures, photos, you know, as much as we can, it will never replace his physical presence, but I think it will provide comfort.
Ellie Ledin (36:34.072)
Hmm.
Joe Quirarte (36:51.28)
for all of us.
Ellie Ledin (36:53.838)
Hmm.
Joe Quirarte (36:57.156)
This is a master's degree and an associate's degree. She's a lot more particular than I am.
Ellie Ledin (37:00.334)
No, I think you worded that so beautifully and I think people who don't have the perspective of, you know, you're given this timeline, you have to face these things, are kind of oblivious to it until it's too late and then you can't really recover that. So yeah, like I can't imagine the gift.
Joe Quirarte (37:23.696)
Right?
Ellie Ledin (37:27.544)
that you are giving your children by doing these things, by taking them to Disney, by taking pictures and videos and making a legacy song, a legacy video. actually before every legacy video, we send each person a question sheet. It's two pages long. And those aren't just random questions. are, we asked young adults who lost their parent when they were young.
What do you wish you knew about them? You know, they're kind of just the obscure questions that, especially if you're little, you're never gonna ask your parent, like, what was your favorite grade in elementary school? Or, you know, like all these things, like they aren't thinking those things. They're thinking, I'm hungry, can I have a snack? Or can I go outside? So to like almost prepare for people.
Joe Quirarte (38:04.587)
Yeah.
Joe Quirarte (38:12.24)
it.
Ellie Ledin (38:18.478)
These questions are really important and people maybe aren't asking you yet, but man, what a gift it is to answer them before people are asking because one day people are going to want to know. And what you two are doing is, I think, the standard, the model of how every person, diagnosis or not, should live.
Joe Quirarte (38:30.468)
Yeah.
Joe Quirarte (38:38.784)
all her, not seriously, these are all her ideas and I love the fact that she found these programs. I do. Because like I said, when my cousin saw those videos for the first time and I heard her dad's voice, she poured tears. And so I don't wanna leave my kids without knowing the sound of my voice or some videos of memories of us or anything. So I'm so glad you found this program and yeah.
Yeah, we've had luckily, you know, a unique kind of inside perspective with our cousin and Joe's uncle, you know, her dad passing away. She was able to tell us a lot of that. This is wish. This is what I wish my dad would have been able to share with me. This is what I wish I would still have of my dad. You know, and there's things like the coffee mug he used every day that she treasures. And so we've been able to kind of use that tragedy.
Ellie Ledin (39:13.891)
Mm-hmm.
Ellie Ledin (39:28.782)
Hmm.
Joe Quirarte (39:36.336)
to kind of fuel us going forward and think, okay, would be important to our kids? What would be important? And I think it's great to not have anything left unsaid, regardless of whether there's an illness in your family or not. I feel 100 % confident that I know all of Joe's final wishes. I know how he wants to be remembered. I know what...
Ellie Ledin (39:50.296)
Mm-hmm.
Joe Quirarte (40:04.624)
traditions are important to him, what characteristics are important to try and instill in our children. And I think that's important for everybody, everybody to kind of be mindful of and a way to live. Yeah, my brother had a scare at work. He's an electrician in the union in San Francisco and he had a little bit of a scare at work. A couple weeks ago, he got electrocuted.
Ellie Ledin (40:16.558)
Mm-hmm.
Ellie Ledin (40:23.63)
Mm.
Joe Quirarte (40:32.368)
And at a precaution got brought to the hospital ended up being perfectly. Okay but I kind of Impressed upon him like it's good to have a will you know like because if that went bad You know like it's he has a fiance now and a kid on the way and so I was like you got to put all this on paper like I would encourage perfectly healthy people to make a will and and You know the the company that we use to make a will I
Ellie Ledin (40:45.215)
Mm-hmm.
Joe Quirarte (41:01.68)
Also, after you get over this possession goes to this person, this possession goes to this person, they also ask you, what are your final, do you want to be buried or cremated? Where do you want to be buried? What do you want to be buried in? Do you want anyone to wear or anything special or play any special songs at your funeral or anything? Things that admittedly, before my seizure, 38 year olds don't think about, especially healthy 38 year olds don't think about.
Ellie Ledin (41:10.894)
Mm.
Ellie Ledin (41:27.811)
Right.
Joe Quirarte (41:30.126)
But then my brother, he's eight years younger than I am, so at 30 years old, he got electrocuted at work and thank God he was okay. But I'm like, bro, I'm not gonna lie to you, if that went sideways, I don't know where you wanna be buried or what you wanna be buried in or do you have any favorite songs that you want us to play at your funeral or whatever. And I'm like, I would encourage you to make a will, especially now that you got a kid on the way and you're gonna get married soon.
Ellie Ledin (41:44.589)
Mm.
Joe Quirarte (41:59.918)
You know, so I would encourage everybody to have a will. Something that, people at a minimum, even if you have no possessions, at a minimum so people know what your final wishes are. One of Joe's doctors shared with us that it is always a tragedy when someone dies, but the larger tragedy is when the family doesn't know what to do next. And that really stuck with me. And as far as end of life care and advanced directives,
Ellie Ledin (42:04.578)
Mm-hmm.
Ellie Ledin (42:13.964)
Yeah.
Ellie Ledin (42:23.212)
Mm-hmm.
Joe Quirarte (42:29.294)
that's so important, as well as life insurance. I would say if there's anyone listening, even if you're perfectly healthy, please just get life insurance because that is such a gift to your family and I think just can provide so much peace of mind in an otherwise very unpeaceful situation.
Ellie Ledin (42:41.698)
Hmm.
Ellie Ledin (42:52.28)
Right. Yeah, man, we actually, Inheritance of Hope offers on our website, you can go and create a will for free. You just go through the steps and then you just need to go and take it to get notarized. But like, yeah, anyone listening, take advantage of that because that's there for a reason because healthy or not, like that's so important. yeah, something you said made me think of something, but I forgot.
So maybe just have to edit this part out. Man, what was it? Because I know you were talking about life insurance, the will.
Joe Quirarte (43:38.18)
Yeah, like advanced directives, end of life care, all that. I think it's, yeah, just so important. That's another thing about like, you know, I asked the doctor, you know, I was very interested. like, you know, what, what does the end look like for me whenever the end does come, right? Whether it's three years, five years, 10 years, like with this glioblastoma, like what is it going to do to me? And he said, eventually it's going to start shutting down key functions of your body.
Ellie Ledin (43:42.774)
Yeah. Yeah.
Joe Quirarte (44:07.312)
It's gonna come after your ability to move your extremities, your ability to talk, your ability to walk. And unfortunately, it will eventually come for your ability to breathe on your own, right? And so, most people towards the end end up on machines. And so one of the questions that, one of the hard conversations that Ashley and I had to have was, when do we pull that plug? What is your wish?
Ellie Ledin (44:19.918)
Hmm.
Joe Quirarte (44:36.302)
Because like she said, the doctor told us, you know, the biggest tragedy is, you know, I end up on a machine and she has no idea what my wishes are, you know? And I told her, said, look, if I haven't asked about like the 49ers or my kids in 48 hours, like just pull it, it's over. Since the day I was born, there's not been 48 hours that go by that I don't talk about the 49ers, right?
Ellie Ledin (44:46.806)
Yeah.
Ellie Ledin (44:52.653)
Mmm.
In that order.
Joe Quirarte (45:06.108)
I was like, if I have not asked about the 49ers in 48 hours, it's time, it's time. Just let me go. know, and so, you know, but imagine, imagine your spouse, your mom, your whoever passing or, know, getting put it on a machine. And now the doctors are asking you like, what do you want to do? Do you want us to keep her on life support? Do you want us to keep her?
Ellie Ledin (45:15.384)
Yeah.
Ellie Ledin (45:32.142)
Mm-hmm.
Joe Quirarte (45:34.48)
And I told that, know, I think the biggest tragedy is not knowing, you know. Imagine Ashley having no idea what my wishes are, and now she decides to pull the plug and wonders for the next 10 years, did I make the right choice? Whereas if that's on paper, like, hey, these are Jo's wishes. You know, I think that would give her a level of peace and comfort and knowing that she made the right decision and not, you know, what ifing for the next five, 10, 20 years.
Ellie Ledin (45:47.118)
Yeah.
Joe Quirarte (46:02.436)
So like I said, even if you're perfectly healthy, have a will. If only to express your final wishes, you know. And I think to prevent any potential disagreement from your family too. think it's so great just to have something that says, this is what he wants. And then, you know, and there it is in black and white. I think it was hard when this first came out, it was hard for, you know, for the first 15 years of my army career, I was not married.
Ellie Ledin (46:05.422)
you
Ellie Ledin (46:09.334)
Yeah. Yeah.
Ellie Ledin (46:19.886)
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Joe Quirarte (46:31.704)
And so my mom was my next of kin and my decision maker and my this, that and the other. And so if anything, I have two combat deployments to Afghanistan and one to Iraq. if anything were to happen to where I was on a machine, that would have my mom's decision. And I think when I got married and then got diagnosed with this, we were having that conversation and my mom, I'll never forget, she asked me, she goes, God, I don't know.
Ellie Ledin (46:35.086)
Mm.
Joe Quirarte (47:01.326)
What if that time comes and like I don't, like me and Ashley are in disagree on something, whether to pull the plug and this, that and the other. And I'm like, look, Ashley's my wife, she's the decision maker now and I am going to have a will that she is going to follow, right? So this is not Ashley's decision per se, it is my decision, you know? And I think it was a little bit hard for my mom to let go of being the decision maker for her child, you know, like that. And that's now in the hands of my wife, you know?
Ellie Ledin (47:06.519)
Mmm.
Ellie Ledin (47:16.972)
Yeah.
Ellie Ledin (47:30.86)
Mm-hmm.
Joe Quirarte (47:31.47)
when she says, you know, it'll help dispel any disagreements between family members, you know, whatever decision Ashley makes, she can say, hey, this is Joe's wishes, you know, and, Yeah. As, as moms are first instinct is always to care and protect for our babies. And it doesn't matter if our baby is one or if our baby is 38. And, you know, it's just such a unique position because.
Ellie Ledin (47:42.156)
Right. Yeah.
Joe Quirarte (47:59.778)
This goes against the natural order of things, right? You know, no 34-year-old should have to be a caregiver and a decision maker for her husband. And I think, you know, there is probably no greater tragedy than a parent bearing their child. That's just something that's not supposed to happen. But I think with communication ahead of time,
Ellie Ledin (48:02.754)
Yeah.
Ellie Ledin (48:23.192)
for you.
Joe Quirarte (48:30.256)
you can really kind of pave the road to be a little smoother. And I think just getting all on the same page and having those difficult conversations will make the future so much easier.
Ellie Ledin (48:35.214)
you
Ellie Ledin (48:47.468)
Yeah, yeah, and this is what I was gonna say earlier, but you guys filled it out so much better, so now it makes even more sense to bring it up.
you know, learning from your relative's tragedy of what's important, how to navigate grief and loss and all these things. It almost feels like you are paving the way in your own tragedy for other people. Like even anyone who's listening to this, who's on the fence or like doesn't think about getting life insurance, thinking about all these things that who in a healthy state in their 20s, 30s, 40s wants to think about this. No, you're not going to take a Saturday and
instead of doing something fun, you're gonna sit down and think about like, what do I want to be buried in? And that just isn't how we, we're not gonna naturally gravitate towards that. So I think in a way, you facing this hardship is fortunately or unfortunately like allowing other people to learn from that and.
Joe Quirarte (49:35.984)
Thank
Ellie Ledin (49:52.534)
and to lead their lives with a little bit more intention and a little bit more legacy, yeah, orientation. So thank you for being intentional in your own lives and then inspiring others to do so. And I'm speaking that in advance as we're recording. I just know that when this comes out and whenever someone listens to it that they are going to act on this.
Joe Quirarte (50:20.642)
Yeah, well thank you. That's truly our hope. And there's, you know, there is no meaning in all of this for us, but we do hope that we can be of help to others and that that can provide some comfort to us and some good that can result from it.
And we're really thankful for Inheritance of Hope for helping us share our story and reach others and leave a tribute for our kids mainly. And also give advice like it's FDA proven that being a 49ers fan could help you live long. And so if it's anything that if you're listening to this podcast.
Ellie Ledin (51:04.174)
Yeah.
Ellie Ledin (51:08.686)
And good-looking, that helps too.
Joe Quirarte (51:16.432)
Anything I can leave you with, it's Go Niners, alright? Yes, if you're looking for a new football team. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, The 49ers are on the upswing. Yes, yes. They're in a rebuilding year. FDA proven to help you longer and look better. Don't Google that. Just roll with it, Just take it. Yeah, yeah.
Ellie Ledin (51:24.846)
Yes. Yeah, just, yeah. my goodness. Well, I think one thing to say too is inheritance of hope. We talk a lot about joy in.
Trials joy in sorrows joy in terminal illness and I think you exemplify that so much like you just exude life and joy in the midst of something that
Joe Quirarte (51:49.36)
Yeah.
Ellie Ledin (51:57.598)
might be like completely defeating. And I don't know like how much work that you've done to maybe move past that, or maybe it's something that's attention every single day of like what side is going to win. And I'm choosing to be joyful in this when I want to like bury my head in the sand. But that is something that we almost preach like that is possible. And I think you are you do that very well.
Joe Quirarte (52:25.624)
Yeah, we sometimes force the joy. We force the joy. And I think in the midst of all of this, that's something that the kids are great at at inspiring us to do is even when, you know, we feel like we could just stay in bed and cry and say, why me? We get up every day for our kids. They're literally our reason. And so we force the joy by, you know, going out of the house, going to the beach.
Ellie Ledin (52:28.878)
Mm-hmm.
Joe Quirarte (52:55.108)
We do a gratitude journal at dinner every night and it is amazing what our three-year-old is grateful for. Such quality answers from that one. Yeah, and I've heard other people do a joy jar where they just write down, you know, fun things that would kind of lift the mood of the family. And when things seem heavy, they're like, okay, we're gonna get something from the joy jar. But yeah, but that's, and luckily, you know, we have Joe.
Ellie Ledin (53:18.286)
Hmm.
Joe Quirarte (53:22.288)
who is the epitome of joy. Very serious all the time. Never joking. Yeah, and we just, really lean into that as a couple and as a family. That's what gets us through. Yeah, I think one of the biggest things is that the kids, especially if you have young kids, like we have a one and a half and a three and a half year old, the kids can sense the tension and the stress.
Ellie Ledin (53:34.382)
Mm.
Ellie Ledin (53:48.398)
Hmm.
Joe Quirarte (53:52.184)
you know, when dad got hospitalized, I didn't get to see the kids for a few days. And then, you know, that was hard on them, not being able to see dad every day and they're wondering where dad's at. And, you know, and Ashley did a really good job of trying not to associate the doctor with a negative connotation, because there's some, and then, you know, a couple months ago I developed a kidney issue.
Ellie Ledin (54:05.902)
Mm-hmm.
Joe Quirarte (54:18.448)
And so I got got hospitalized completely separate from it was one of the one of the drugs that I was taking for the cancer I guess my kidney had a allergic reaction to it and so I got hospitalized and so and You know Ashley did a really good job of trying her best to not associate every time because I got to go to the doctor all the time I got to get blood draws and I'll be home in an hour, you know, but
Ellie Ledin (54:18.67)
Hmm.
Ellie Ledin (54:22.766)
Hmm.
Ellie Ledin (54:29.878)
Mm, wow.
Ellie Ledin (54:41.166)
Mm-hmm.
Joe Quirarte (54:43.436)
If the kids keep hearing dad's going to the doctor and dad doesn't come home for a few nights, they're going to start going, dad's going to the doctor. no, no, no. And so we've been kind of like, dad's going to the doctor today. The doctor is just going to check them out. You know, I mean, we're talking to a one and a three year old. So, so, but yeah, the, the kids feel the tension. They feel the stress. My three and a half year old probably doesn't fully understand what cancer is or what's going on, but, but he feels
Ellie Ledin (54:48.664)
Mm-hmm.
Ellie Ledin (54:57.59)
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Joe Quirarte (55:12.848)
the tension and the stress and it stresses him out sometimes and sometimes he acts out. And so we've been trying to make it as minimal impact on the kids as possible, right? And so dad goes to the doctor, okay, well then we'll come home and we'll go to the beach or something, know, like we'll try not to, Ashley's been really, really good about not setting up a negative association with the word doctor or hospital or something like that.
Ellie Ledin (55:17.667)
you
Ellie Ledin (55:27.224)
Mm-hmm.
Ellie Ledin (55:31.456)
Right.
Ellie Ledin (55:38.509)
Mm-hmm.
Joe Quirarte (55:40.356)
Yeah, and we try and just be honest with them as much as we can, you know, using obviously preschool and toddler words, but and they're so resilient. Kids are are so incredibly resilient. I was so worried after Joe's craniotomy, you know what they were going to think about what the side of his head looked like. And I spent days, you know, trying to think, what am I going to tell him? What are we going to, you know, what questions is he going to have?
Ellie Ledin (55:52.799)
Mm-hmm.
Joe Quirarte (56:10.552)
And so Joe came home from the surgery and we were like, okay buddy, know, daddy's home from his surgery. You know, we want to show you what his head looks like now. And our three year old looks at it he goes.
Oh, it kind of looks like a box. And then he back to playing cards. It's literally like a square. And he was like, oh, OK, cool. And now that's daddy's box. That's daddy's box. And he knows that's where the cancer is. at 3 and 1 because he didn't fully understand what cancer is, we're using, we've bought books. And Ashley's done a lot of research on using age-appropriate language to explain to
Ellie Ledin (56:21.838)
Hahaha!
no. no.
You
Ellie Ledin (56:36.13)
Mm.
Joe Quirarte (56:49.966)
obviously not our one and a half year old, but our three and a half year old about cancer. And there's this really cool book called Cancer Hates Kisses. And so, know, it all goes over, you know how to fight cancer is with kisses and hugs and love and yeah. And so every now and then he'll run, he'll just run up to me and go.
Ellie Ledin (56:52.088)
Mm-hmm.
Ellie Ledin (56:59.704)
Hmm.
Ellie Ledin (57:05.165)
you
Joe Quirarte (57:09.808)
you know, dad, I'm gonna help you beat the cancer. I'm like, thanks bud. And it's things like that that help create cute little memories. So yeah, so if you have young kids, make sure you research books and methods on talking to them in age appropriate ways. Because he's gonna know something's going on. There's no point in hiding it or trying to sugar coat it.
Ellie Ledin (57:12.558)
Ellie Ledin (57:19.724)
Right.
Ellie Ledin (57:23.278)
you
Ellie Ledin (57:34.093)
Yeah.
Joe Quirarte (57:37.454)
But there is a way to talk to them in a way to help them understand at their age what dad or mom is going through, you know? Yeah. Yeah? Yeah.
Ellie Ledin (57:44.77)
Yeah, yeah, I'm a certified child life specialist actually. I used to work in the hospital to explain medical procedures to kids and all that stuff. And we always were like, if you're taking your kid to go to get surgery, do not say you're taking them to Disneyland and then you show up. like that is not a way to build trust. like.
Joe Quirarte (58:03.854)
Yeah.
Ellie Ledin (58:08.5)
saying things truthfully in age-appropriate ways, like that is gonna help them so much, because they pick up on a lot more than we think. Yeah. Yeah.
Joe Quirarte (58:16.6)
yeah. A lot. They are so incredibly smart. They're so incredibly smart. And we've, you know, we've met people in this space who have said, you know, every family handles it different, but who have said, you know, we've chosen not to talk to our kids about this. And deep down, I'm like, they know, they know, they know that they may not know exactly, but they know that something is going on. And we've found that,
Ellie Ledin (58:32.983)
Yeah.
Ellie Ledin (58:37.934)
Mm-hmm.
Joe Quirarte (58:42.596)
you know, that the whole family just seems kind of more at ease when we're just honest and when we talk about it. And you know, not often, we just live our normal lives for the most part, but the door is open and I hope that, you know, our kiddo knows that he can ask questions and talk.
Ellie Ledin (58:53.496)
Yeah.
Joe Quirarte (59:02.416)
Yeah, Ashley's been really good about that too. She'll ask him like, hey, bud, do you have any questions about daddy's cancer? And he usually doesn't. He knows that dad has cancer and that cancer makes you sick. And this is daddy's box. That's where the cancer is. And that's kind of his 3 and 1 half year old understanding. But she's really good about, hey, do you have any questions? If you do, feel free to ask any time.
Ellie Ledin (59:10.158)
Mm-hmm.
Ellie Ledin (59:17.492)
Mm-hmm.
Joe Quirarte (59:28.844)
And he usually doesn't, but I feel like he knows now that if he does develop any questions, like we've asked him enough times now to where he'll feel comfortable. Like, hey, I have a quick question. Like what is cancer? He hasn't done that yet, at least not to me. But I think he'll feel comfortable when he does reach that point where he can understand like, like maybe I want to know what cancer is, not just that it makes daddy a little tired and sick sometimes, you know.
Ellie Ledin (59:29.187)
Yeah.
Ellie Ledin (59:42.658)
Yeah.
Ellie Ledin (59:58.929)
Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah, because if they are picking up on things and you're not telling them, their heads are kind of filling in the blanks, and that's usually incorrect and filled with a lot of fear and misconception. So, yeah.
Joe Quirarte (01:00:06.656)
Exactly. Yeah. Yes. And the last thing I want them to do is to go to school and ask their other three and four year old friends, hey, what's cancer? And then someone says something, cancer. Whoa. Like, yeah. And then him coming home, dad, are you going to, you know, so I that's why we've been intentional, especially Ashley being that school counselor background for elementary kids.
Ellie Ledin (01:00:22.528)
Yeah.
Yeah.
Ellie Ledin (01:00:33.837)
Mm-hmm.
Joe Quirarte (01:00:34.788)
You know, we're trying to help him through this in a three and a half year old way, you know. I'll never forget the first time that our three year old got sick after Joe's diagnosis. He had, you know, just like a cold, a flu. And he asked me, like, Mom, do I have cancer? And I hadn't even thought like in his brain, like he just associated cancer and being sick as the same thing. And so then it prompted a whole discussion of like,
Ellie Ledin (01:00:53.102)
Wow.
Joe Quirarte (01:01:01.994)
No, you know, when me or you or your sister gets sick, we get better. But, you know, daddy is a different type of sick and, you know, we don't have cancer. so they just the things that their minds think about and come up with. And like you said, if they don't know, they just fill in the blank themselves is truly amazing what their little brains do.
Ellie Ledin (01:01:07.03)
Mm.
Ellie Ledin (01:01:19.628)
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, no kidding. Well, we always wrap up every podcast episode by asking each guest who has left an impact on your life, like whose legacy, whether in life or death, has just really stuck with you in a way that you kind of still carry with you today.
Joe Quirarte (01:01:43.088)
That's a good question. Do you want to go first? No.
Ellie Ledin (01:01:46.228)
Hahaha
Joe Quirarte (01:01:49.704)
whose legacy? I would probably pick my grandma. My grandma left an incredible legacy for me. She went through infertility back in the early 60s and then her and I connected over that. And even though our experiences as far as medical were very different.
A lot of those feelings were still the same and she became a big support person to me during Joanna's infertility journey. She instilled the love of reading for me and I didn't know it at the time, but my grandma was an incredibly devoted caretaker to my great grandma, her mom who had Alzheimer's and she cared for her for 20 years and was just incredible.
And I often kind of unknowingly kind of find myself sort of thinking about her and her devotion and just her attitude now that I've kind of stepped into this caregiver role for Jo. And so she's still having that lasting impact on me even now years after her passing.
Ellie Ledin (01:03:06.414)
you
Ellie Ledin (01:03:11.202)
That's beautiful.
Joe Quirarte (01:03:12.068)
Thank you.
For me, I would say my Uncle Dave, which is my cousin Amy's dad. He's the one that passed away. I was in middle school when he passed away. I I was in sixth grade or so. My dad wasn't around a lot when I was growing up. He was in and out of jail. And even when he was out of jail, he really wasn't around to be a dad. So his brother, my Uncle Dave, stepped up.
Ellie Ledin (01:03:22.286)
Mm.
Joe Quirarte (01:03:43.362)
into that father role. Nobody asked him to, know, he didn't have to, but he stepped up into that father role for me and he would take me out and pick me up and bring me to his cabin up in Lake Berryessa and all the time. And I learned a lot about how to be a man from him, you know, and what masculinity means and how to be a protector and a provider for your family and things like that. And so.
Ellie Ledin (01:04:01.646)
Hmm.
Joe Quirarte (01:04:10.926)
He passed away when I was in sixth grade and I still kind of model the man that I am today and the man that I'm trying to raise David to become off of what I learned from him growing up. And so I think of all the people who have had the biggest impact in my life, was my uncle Dave, because he's the one that taught me, even though I was young when he passed, the lessons that he taught me.
Ellie Ledin (01:04:24.206)
Mm.
Joe Quirarte (01:04:37.622)
have really impacted who, like the man that I became, the man that I'm trying to raise David to be. And yeah, that's my Uncle Dave.
Ellie Ledin (01:04:46.69)
Hmm. That's also beautiful. And it makes me think of your legacy song, which before this call was all I knew of you, you know, but even in the song, it is talking about like instilling these values and yeah, who you want your kids to be and just knowing that like you didn't come up with these things.
Joe Quirarte (01:04:54.82)
Yeah.
Joe Quirarte (01:05:07.534)
Mm-hmm.
Ellie Ledin (01:05:07.954)
you inherited them or you saw it modeled from people before you. So it's just really beautiful to like look behind and look forward and kind of see the chain and like we're all linking hands and what you've passed on.
Joe Quirarte (01:05:11.92)
Yeah.
Joe Quirarte (01:05:16.238)
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I have goosebumps because I feel like that's perfectly sums up our legacy song is it's looking behind, but it's also looking forward.
Ellie Ledin (01:05:31.596)
Yeah. well, thank you guys for just chatting with me and sharing your story. I'm glad that I know more about you now than just the legacy song. And yeah, this was a real blessing. And I think I'm better because of it. So thank you. Yeah.
Joe Quirarte (01:05:35.61)
Thank you.
Joe Quirarte (01:05:50.192)
Oh, thank you, Ellie. It was great. It was great talking to you. Yeah. Yeah. It was a good chat.
Ellie Ledin (01:05:55.367)
Yeah.
