In this episode of the Inheritance of Hope Podcast, Aisha shares what it’s been like to carry both the “caregiver’s backpack” and navigate life after losing her best friend and husband, Brad. She has taken her experience as a widow and channeled that grief into an incredible resource for others who are wondering what to do after losing their spouse. Listen to this meaningful conversation to hear the impact that Inheritance of Hope has had on Aisha and her family as they choose joy in the midst of grief and sorrow.
Grief is a complicated process, both before and after you lose a loved one, and Dr. Aisha Lynn Thomas learned this firsthand when her husband Brad was diagnosed with lung cancer.
The diagnosis came out of nowhere and started when Brad began coughing a lot. Aisha thought this was because he was an outdoorsy guy living in a part of Colorado that was prone to wildfires and easy to breathe in heavy smoke. Brad also hadn’t smoked for many years because Aisha said she “can’t date a smoker. So he quit cold turkey. In our life together, he was never a smoker.”
However, a few doctors visits later, the couple found out that Brad had terminal lung cancer. The future was uncertain and overnight the family had to adapt to the new illness on top of taking care of their young children. But still, Aisha wanted to do her best to support her family because “I love him and I want to do everything I can to make him comfortable and I love my children and I want to do everything I can to make sure that they are having a somewhat normal existence.”
A sense of normalcy in hard times
Around this time, Inheritance of Hope stepped in and offered them a spot on an Orlando Legacy Retreat®. Upon arrival, they were eagerly greeted by volunteers and one thing that stuck with Aisha especially was when a volunteer offered to carry her backpack and said “Let me take that. You don’t need to carry it.” Aisha said she didn’t mind carrying it, but the volunteer insisted, saying “Nope, for this weekend you’re not carrying anything. Aisha shares that “even though it was a physical backpack, it was also a spiritual lifting that they gave me the gift of that week.”
For a moment, she no longer felt like a “CEO” of her family of five and instead could just bond alongside them as they embraced the Inheritance of Hope community.
While on the retreat, Brad was not able to go on many rides but Aisha stayed back with him while their kids went on the rides with the volunteers. “We were just looking at each other like ‘this is the most incredible group of all time. Our kids are safe and having fun and being loved on.’ It was just such a treasure.”
Aside from hanging out with each other, Aisha was able to speak with other caregivers while Brad spoke with others also suffering with terminal illnesses in small groups. “We got really lucky. He felt really good. He had reduced energy, but he was still the same guy. It wasn’t until about a month before he passed when his decline happened. So, I really look at that as a blessing and one of the things that I prayed for consistently was a miracle.” Aisha said when reflecting on some of the conversations her and Brad had that day.
A book about the “ups and downs” of grief
Unfortunately, Brad was put into hospice not long afterward. Aisha always held out hope for a miracle but 2 days later, Brad passed away. It was an emotional time filled with signing papers and tears as Aisha said her final goodbyes to her husband.
Through years of journaling and self-reflection, Aisha found comfort in knowing that “I don’t believe that people get terminal illness as like a part of God’s plan. I think things happen and sometimes good things happen and sometimes bad things happen. But what God is faithful about is joining you on the journey.”
She also transformed her grief into a book called The Widow’s Truth: What to Do when You Lose the Love of Your Life. The book was inspired by her realizing that while there wasn’t a healing miracle in the literal sense, she felt as though Brad was “healed” by being released from his pain on earth. “When Brad died, my heart was shattered into pieces inside my body and then it just crystallized and went everywhere in my body. And then my job over the next year was to rebuild my heart,” Aisha said. “I just used to tell myself a lot, ‘okay, in order to have a breakthrough, you have to have a breakdown. So it’s okay to have a breakdown. The breakdown shows I’m moving through it.’ Cause I thought the worst thing that I could do for my grief and for my kids was to try to go over it or try to stuff the grief or try to move around it.”
When writing her book, Aisha wanted to help people cut themselves some slack much like the books she read when she was learning to deal with different stages of the grieving process. She believes that a good way to cope with grief is to give yourself some grace and space to process your problems when you can. “I was able to reframe my thoughts into a way that’s like, well, that’s where I’m at right now. It doesn’t mean that’s where I’m going to be forever and even that was very powerful for me to just give myself space to say this is where I’m at right now and it’s okay,” Aisha remarked.
Though it’s difficult and “you will feel like you’re losing your mind. You will either not be able to sleep or you’ll sleep too much. You’re never going to be hungry or you’re going to want to eat everything. You have new fears unlocked that you never even knew you were scared of. You’re going to hear things and see things that maybe you’ve never heard or seen before,” allowing yourself time to process can help in the long run.
She also wanted to motivate people by making more demanding tasks feel less overwhelming. In her book, she gives people clear cut options they can possibly pursue if they ever feel fatigued in the decision-making process, alongside some written anecdotes and fact-based resources to back up her advice. This was especially important for her to touch on because as a widowed mother with three kids, she knows how overwhelming the grieving process can become especially since she now had to help her children with their grief on top of various other household and work obligations.
Asking for help whenever necessary and getting involved in her community also has helped her cope. To this day, she’s been involved with various Hope@Home™ Groups through Inheritance of Hope, from Life After Loss support groups to Bible and book studies. “I like to be involved with Inheritance of Hope because they really choose meaningful content and they’re very authentic about how they proceed into the work and it’s really just about loving people and it’s beautiful. So, Inheritance of Hope has been a huge blessing in our world,” Aisha said.
Aisha also recognizes that there’s no one “correct way” to grieve and that judging others would only reflect judgment back onto herself. Whether you need time alone, time with others, help around the house, etc. it doesn’t matter as long as you’re not harming yourself or others, and though grief is a long, complicated process, that doesn’t stop Aisha or others like her from wanting to repair their lives.
Hear more of Aisha’s story on the Inheritance of Hope Podcast. Listen now >>
Kennedy Owens a Storytelling Intern at Inheritance of Hope. She is currently a sophomore at Florida Southern College with a major in advertising and public relations, and is an active participant on her school campus as the Event Coordinator for the Young Adults Self Advocates club and Brand Manager for the school’s radio station The Hiss. She enjoys all things writing-related and likes to serve her community the best she can.