Ellie Ledin (00:01.286)
Welcome to the Inheritance of Hope podcast. I’m so excited for you to be on here today and talk a little bit about your story. So go ahead and introduce yourself.
Lauren Nguy (00:19.158)
Kaelin and Harper. are now four and six and I am a single mom.
Ellie Ledin (00:28.77)
yeah, that is, I’m sure we’re gonna get into so many more details, but I think the biggest piece on why you’re here sharing your story is you have experienced loss. So could you tell us how illness has been a part of your journey, your family’s journey, and what that journey has looked like for you all?
Lauren Nguy (00:53.624)
Yeah, so it wasn’t a huge part of my journey before marriage and before Brian got sick. It now has become this pivotal point though in our lives where my faith was tested and strengthened and has formed pretty much like the direction of the rest of our lives.
Brian was diagnosed. My girls were one in three. Harper had her first sleep regression the night he went in the hospital. It was very surreal, like hearing the word cancer in my husband because Brian was one of the healthiest people that I’ve ever known. You know, he had great genes. And it was just…
Ellie Ledin (01:30.604)
Yeah.
Ellie Ledin (01:48.898)
You
Lauren Nguy (01:53.55)
Shocking. Just, yeah, just shocking. He had lung cancer, which it was a gene mutation, a rare gene mutation that just decided in his life to turn on and… Can I start this part over? I feel like I’m going on a tangent, but I’m… Okay, yeah, let’s start that question over.
Ellie Ledin (02:13.237)
Definitely, yeah. Okay. Okay.
Lauren Nguy (02:22.158)
Um, so illness in our lives was not part of our lives. Restart. Um, okay. Illness was not part of our lives until Brian was diagnosed in 2022. At that time, Harper was one and Kayla was three. Um, so for them, it’s all they know is their daddy having cancer and then being on hospice and
Ellie Ledin (02:30.017)
You
Lauren Nguy (02:51.694)
now just the memory of him. For me, it was this huge pivotal moment for me and my faith and what I believed was going to be my future. I remember the night Brian went in the hospital, he had had a really bad cough for a couple months and I, after a few days of saying, I’m going to take you to the hospital if it doesn’t go away.
I finally drove him to the hospital in the middle of a snowstorm. And before I even got home from dropping him off, because it was in the middle of a COVID surge, they weren’t letting anybody really in. They were stitching people up in the hallways. It was just so overcrowded.
And before I even got home, he had called me and said that they had found a mass in one of his lungs and his lung was collapsed because there was so much fluid around it. And I just remember just not being able to breathe. And so I had told him to take a bag with him to the hospital. Of course, he thought that meant his wallet and his phone and he was good.
Ellie Ledin (03:56.929)
Mmm.
Ellie Ledin (04:06.177)
Yeah
Lauren Nguy (04:08.994)
So it became very evident that he was going to be there for a little while. So that night I took up a bag of stuff for him and I could tell from the nurse’s expression on her face. She was like, we’re just going to take you back. Just sit there with him. We want you to be with him. And so it was pretty disconcerting. I was like, okay, this is, this is a bigger deal than I anticipated this being. thought he had pneumonia that just, you know, had.
Ellie Ledin (04:28.203)
Mm-hmm.
Ellie Ledin (04:36.021)
Yeah.
Lauren Nguy (04:38.026)
away from him and he maybe needed some more antibiotics. So yeah, he came home about 10 days later and we went through this grief process of what does this mean and the initial lung cancer diagnosis is pretty bleak. Once it’s stage four, which is where he was, it’s anywhere from three months to six months.
Apparently we won the lung cancer jackpot is what they call it. It’s a rare gene mutation that you can be on certain medications like just a pill form of chemo and there are people that I know, I still know, like keep in touch with some of them, that they are now 15 years out still living with this genetic mutation and unfortunately Brian wasn’t one of them.
Ellie Ledin (05:12.832)
Wow.
Ellie Ledin (05:31.071)
Wow.
Lauren Nguy (05:39.054)
He had progression on the medication rather quickly. And so about 18 months later, he passed. It has been heartbreaking. It’s not something, when I got married to him, I was like, yeah, this is the man I’m gonna spend my life with. I’m gonna grow old with him and we’re gonna have a family. And we even had a bucket list of.
Ellie Ledin (05:54.443)
Yeah.
Ellie Ledin (06:00.864)
Hmm.
Lauren Nguy (06:06.894)
what we wanted to do when the kids were out of the house and you know he grew up.
Lauren Nguy (06:19.406)
take this part out, take that line out. I remember him being very scared when we had kids. was like, I don’t know if I’m gonna be a good dad. don’t know how to be a good dad.
Ellie Ledin (06:21.259)
Sir.
Lauren Nguy (06:34.21)
The second he held our daughter, I just fell in love with him all over again. he just, he tried, even when it wasn’t comfortable or natural for him. And he was an amazing dad. that, was just an explosion of emotions in the heart. Every time I saw the girls interact with him because they just loved him and they were obsessed with him just like I was and still am. But for them, it’s been…
Ellie Ledin (06:37.974)
Mm-hmm.
Ellie Ledin (06:52.98)
haha
Lauren Nguy (07:04.238)
heartbreaking because he’s not able to watch them grow up and Harper was so little that her only memories now are of him on hospice and we’ve driven into Baltimore and she’s asked if we’re gonna go pick daddy up from the hospital because he was at Hopkins so that like her only memories are of him being really sick and on his deathbed which is really sad to me. Kaylee can remember more and
Ellie Ledin (07:14.433)
Hmm.
Ellie Ledin (07:31.275)
Yeah.
Lauren Nguy (07:34.434)
They had their little traditions and she’s a walking talking replica of Brian in female form, which I adore. love it. But they that’s their life, you know, like cancer is what they knew. Death is what they know. That’s what they’ve experienced. So, yeah, it’s.
Yeah, it’s been a big part of our lives, more so over the last two years or three years, yes.
Ellie Ledin (08:08.353)
Wow. And I feel like it’s just obviously the loss of someone, anyone in your life is difficult, but especially the loss of your partner who you, you two had dreams together. So it wasn’t even just the death of your person. It’s the death of everything that you dreamed up together and needing to pivot.
quickly, it seems like, you know, going in for a cough and then a short timeline later, it’s like, wow, how do we, how do I pivot from this or change not only your normal, but those dreams? Yeah, that is so difficult.
Lauren Nguy (09:00.078)
He was definitely my best friend and we were such a good team. And if anything shows you how good of a team you are with your spouse, it’s losing them and seeing how we really did just work well together and not just, you know.
Ellie Ledin (09:10.657)
Hmm.
Lauren Nguy (09:20.616)
in the normal day to day things, but just like how much of your life changes and how big of a part is missing. Just the laughter and the things that you would talk about.
Ellie Ledin (09:36.929)
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Lauren Nguy (09:38.68)
so many little losses.
Ellie Ledin (09:41.186)
Hmm. Yeah. And I’m sure you are so aware of, know, how much you loved him in the moment and like, wow, this is such a good moment. And then in the absence of those things is probably just that love is still there. And you just feel that that gap of like, wow, that it’s a lot, maybe even bigger than you realize, even if you were aware of it in the moment. And
Hmm. Yeah, how did you and Brian meet?
Lauren Nguy (10:15.95)
So we met at church. We both did a lot of things in the background. So he was the longest standing elder, we call it, the board at our church, where he was one of the direct people with the pastor who, you know, they had meetings quarterly and just advised him on things and were there as support.
He was also the head of the finance team and just a bunch of different behind the scene tasks, because that’s who he was. I was doing curriculum for the kids ministry where I was at the church when nobody else was and just putting supplies in rooms and I would see him and I wouldn’t know what to say and it was so awkward. I was like.
Okay, I’m gonna go. But we also were in some groups together. were, ironically, our first group together was Disappointment with God. It was a book by Philip Yancey that we went through together. We both had been through a couple rough, rough things prior to doing that group together. And we learned a lot about each other, like the deep, nitty gritty stuff.
Ellie Ledin (11:27.008)
Hmm.
Lauren Nguy (11:44.12)
So our first date was like, what’s your favorite color? What do you like to do in your free time? Because we had just gotten to know each other on such a deep level. But yeah, we had people who kept trying to set us up. They would invite us both out to dinner and say, it’s a group thing. And it was not a group thing. It was a clear double date. But one thing was very clear to both of us. We just felt God telling us.
Ellie Ledin (11:46.901)
Yeah.
Mm.
Ellie Ledin (11:59.602)
my gosh. Yeah.
Ellie Ledin (12:06.476)
my gosh.
Lauren Nguy (12:13.708)
individually that we needed to, we were supposed to be together. And he had quoted an Andy Stanley sermon to me that was if you’re running towards Jesus and you look around and you see people around you running towards God and then you look back later and they’re still the same people right with you, those are your people. And if you’re looking to date somebody, you want somebody who’s running towards God where you are.
Ellie Ledin (12:18.465)
Hmm.
Lauren Nguy (12:44.606)
And he said every time he looked next to me, next to him, I was there. Which I don’t know if that’s a stalker thing. But we did. We just kept running into each other. were just in the same place at the same time. And it was, it was just a God thing. It was the most natural, genuine, authentic relationship. Like we weren’t seeking it out. We didn’t even want to date anybody.
Ellie Ledin (12:51.125)
She was always by me.
Lauren Nguy (13:13.966)
when we met. was like, I don’t want to date. He’s really cute, but I don’t want to date. So, and he was kind of in the same boat, but the more we hung out, we’re like, okay, we’ll try it out. We’ll see what happens.
Ellie Ledin (13:17.185)
Yeah.
Ellie Ledin (13:27.349)
Yeah, how long did you know each other before you started dating and progressing?
Lauren Nguy (13:33.838)
I think we knew each other probably about nine months before we started hanging out and since he can’t stand here and fight my point, we started dating in July of 2014. He says officially it was December of 2014. But yeah, so probably about a year.
Ellie Ledin (13:56.467)
Okay.
Lauren Nguy (14:04.334)
And then, yeah, we got engaged at the end of 2015, beginning of 2016, and we were married in 2016.
Ellie Ledin (14:15.007)
And it sounds like, you know, it was a similar process for both of you of just kind of maybe not wanting to date and then kind of coming to terms like, actually I do want to date, but not just generally this person. yeah, wow. How long were you married before you brought kids into the picture?
Lauren Nguy (14:28.27)
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Lauren Nguy (14:40.19)
We both agreed that we wanted to wait a year. So at the year mark we started trying and got pregnant pretty quickly.
Ellie Ledin (14:43.499)
Okay.
Lauren Nguy (14:52.59)
We were pregnant with Kaylin by, I want to say January of 2018.
Ellie Ledin (15:02.768)
And it sounds like your relationship, you you always loved him in a certain way, but seeing him as a father kind of brought out some, like a new depth of love for him. Like how would you describe him as a father?
Lauren Nguy (15:23.736)
Specifically a girl dad. I don’t think he knew what to do with her at first. But he was just so loving and some of my favorite pictures were of him just holding her in those first moments. I had been in labor for three days, so we were both exhausted. She was in emergency C-section.
Ellie Ledin (15:25.363)
Mmm, I love that.
Ellie Ledin (15:32.807)
Hahaha
Ellie Ledin (15:45.471)
Wow.
Lauren Nguy (15:50.254)
And they threw him scrubs a little bit after midnight on the 27th and they’re like, suit up. She’s got to have a C-section. This baby has to come out now. And his face was like, OK. And just seeing him hold her, was like, this is what it’s about. This is. Yeah. And he was just so loving. Like he. Anybody who knows him.
Ellie Ledin (16:02.844)
Yeah.
Ellie Ledin (16:09.921)
Mm.
Lauren Nguy (16:19.982)
We’ll know. He has a certain way of showing he cares.
He just, I don’t know, he just really loved them and adored them. And that became even more evident the older they got, like when he was able to have conversations with them. Kaylin specifically would love to go to Costco with him. It was their thing. So they, he would come home after work, even though Costco was five minutes from his work, and get her and go and.
run their errands and do their things. And she still talks about some of those memories, even though it was just going to the grocery store and going with them to get a haircut. that’s, that’s what she remembers. And those were some of her favorite memories. And mine were probably when he would go to work and they would just miss him like crazy.
Ellie Ledin (17:05.674)
Yeah.
Ellie Ledin (17:24.097)
Mm.
Lauren Nguy (17:24.8)
And so we would drive up just for them to all hug and get five minutes of hugs and kisses and then say, all right, we love you. Have a good day at work. in that moment, I was like, am I interrupting his day? Am I annoying him? But now I’m just so glad that I listened to the intuition of like, no, just do it. Just do it.
Ellie Ledin (17:28.38)
Ellie Ledin (17:51.061)
Yeah.
Lauren Nguy (17:55.16)
I don’t know if I would have regretted it if I hadn’t, but having those memories are just so sweet. And then I also wasn’t a techie. I still am not. I’m at all. He was my tech assistant. But we shared location with each other. And so when I knew he was on his way home, I’d get the girls shoes on, be like, daddy’s coming home. And they would run out the door.
Ellie Ledin (18:00.555)
Yeah.
Ellie Ledin (18:06.625)
You
Ellie Ledin (18:11.297)
Okay.
Ellie Ledin (18:26.657)
You
Lauren Nguy (18:27.79)
Their faces will light up, his faces will light up. And I have some pictures of him just holding both of them, both of them in his arms. And it was just almost indescribable. But just the love that was there is just something that can’t be replicated.
Ellie Ledin (18:34.94)
Hahaha
Ellie Ledin (18:49.001)
Yeah, if they can’t even make it through the whole work day, they have to see him. That’s, yeah. That’s amazing. Yeah, almost like bonus memories where, yeah, kind of just deciding to go in the middle of the day. I’m sure that’s just such a special, sweet bonus memory. Yeah. What was it like? I know you touched on this a little bit, but
Lauren Nguy (18:52.426)
I feel like I miss daddy. Like, let’s go see him. All right.
Ellie Ledin (19:17.811)
receiving the news that, okay, it’s not pneumonia, it’s not just a cough, now you’re in the hospital 10 days. What were some of those conversations like that you two had together?
Lauren Nguy (19:30.488)
I’m a planner, so I immediately went into planning mode of just like, what do I need to know? What do we need to do? We met with a financial advisor, we sat down and came up with a list of things we wanted to leave, wanted him to leave for the girls, which the legacy video is one of them. yeah, was just, like I said, there was a part.
Ellie Ledin (19:31.573)
Hmm.
Lauren Nguy (20:00.078)
where it was like this grief of the life we knew and we literally like laid on the couch. My parents took the girls, they live close by. I remember him coming home and us getting the news that it was stage four lung cancer. And I called my dad at work and I was like, I can’t process this because I started crying and the girls were looking at me like, what is happening? Why is mommy sad? I’m like, I need.
Ellie Ledin (20:26.081)
Hmm.
Lauren Nguy (20:29.922)
We need space as a married couple to process this and we did. We laid on the couch, we watched some movies to try to get our mind off of it, we made appointments, we looked into who we needed to talk to and the best courses of treatment and care.
We really did just make sure we had everything taken care of. That way, no matter what happened, we had that part under control.
It was a lot of just like wondering, like wondering how long, wondering, you know, for him, he did a video with our pastor at our church for a sermon series they were doing and he was wondering if he would see another birthday and the girls birthdays and see them graduate and walk them down the aisle and if we’d have another anniversary.
Ellie Ledin (21:12.641)
you
Lauren Nguy (21:36.526)
Yeah, a lot of wondering and for me, I was expecting to be a little bit more angry than I was. It just didn’t seem fair. But at the same time, I have been okay. Even now, like not knowing why, like God’s reasonings for why, because I feel like
Ellie Ledin (21:46.273)
Mm-hmm.
Lauren Nguy (22:06.122)
if I knew why as a human here on earth, like, I, would not compute. It would not.
Ellie Ledin (22:12.833)
Hmm.
Lauren Nguy (22:15.79)
I don’t know. The ends would not justify the means. I understand that that needed to happen, but why did he have to die for that to happen? There was a lot of questions though, mostly just why him? He was one of the most amazing men I’ve ever met. And most of our friends and family would say the same thing, and it just didn’t seem fair.
Ellie Ledin (22:18.582)
Hmm.
Ellie Ledin (22:26.443)
Yeah.
Ellie Ledin (22:32.257)
Hmm.
Lauren Nguy (22:45.614)
But I knew immediately that he was very soft spoken. I am Italian, so I got when I when I need to speak up, I can speak up. And I knew right then that I was going to be the one to really advocate for him.
Ellie Ledin (22:57.696)
Yeah.
Lauren Nguy (23:05.23)
push to make things happen, which definitely served us well because insurance isn’t easy. Getting these appointments isn’t easy all the time. And so just advocating for them and I spent hours, I couldn’t sleep for, I don’t think I actually fell asleep for like maybe three or four days. I was just researching everything to do with.
Ellie Ledin (23:12.971)
No.
Lauren Nguy (23:33.25)
all the gene mutations and then when we found out which gene mutation it was, everything with that gene mutation and it was just a lot of research and a lot of what do we need to do? What do we need to do to keep you around?
Lauren Nguy (23:49.036)
And that’s kind of the mentality I kept until the last day.
Ellie Ledin (23:53.91)
Hmm. Wow. And that I think just kind of goes to show what you were saying earlier about, you know, being good partners, you know, that he was able to be the patient and focus on, you know, what he needed to do with you handling or like being that advocate and kind of being able to take that burden off of his shoulders and, and, not even that, but just share the burden.
together. Sounds like, yeah, you were a great team. Yeah, and what you said about, you know, not being as angry as you expected. I think that’s such a normal response, you know, because if you’re a planner or not, just wanting to know what is going on. And yeah, why did that need to happen?
Yeah, if anger wasn’t as big of a response as you anticipated it being, what other emotions were really prominent for you or for Brian or just both of you together?
Lauren Nguy (25:10.35)
I really think sadness for him, sadness and I think for him probably anger was in there.
Ellie Ledin (25:18.625)
Hmm.
Lauren Nguy (25:23.682)
because his life, like he was happy about going to heaven, like he’s always looked forward to heaven. So that part didn’t, the dying part didn’t scare him. But just having this family and so many things that he was gonna miss out on really, really affected him.
For me, at any given point during the cancer journey, I could not tell you how I was feeling. I felt pretty numb during a lot of it. I felt sad and grief already, which was confusing for me because that anticipatory grief of, okay, know I’m like, yes, I know God can heal, but.
Ellie Ledin (26:12.981)
Yeah.
Lauren Nguy (26:21.336)
The reality is I’m losing my husband. And I don’t know what to think about that because there’s so much in the meantime that needs to be done. I was still a mom of two. I was still needing to make appointments and trying to get him the best care that I could get.
Ellie Ledin (26:31.519)
Yeah.
Lauren Nguy (26:45.954)
Yeah, my emotions were all over the place. I think a lot of it was just anxiety and depression.
And it was just scary. Probably fear was one of the main ones. Just waiting, a lot of waiting for the next bit of news. And then waiting for the next scan and yeah.
Ellie Ledin (26:59.093)
Yeah.
Ellie Ledin (27:03.829)
Mm.
Ellie Ledin (27:12.929)
Hmm. Yeah. The helplessness feeling where you’re just, yeah, the waiting without being able to control any of the outcome. man, that would produce so many anxious thoughts or just balancing the tension of yet needing to contribute and continue on as a mom, as a wife, as you know, someone
showing up to a daily life, but then having this huge underlying thing.
Yeah, what was it like being in a circle of friends or a community and sharing the news that, you know, Brian has this diagnosis and what was it like to invite other people into that story?
Lauren Nguy (28:11.438)
So the main prayer that we had during all of this was and still is my prayer that God will use it to reach other people and Or help other people going through the same thing But I will tell you inviting other people in and we have an amazing amazing church community and my family lives close and
I would not be surviving right now without my family. But it still felt and still feels lonely.
Lauren Nguy (28:53.39)
We were loved and cared for well throughout his cancer journey. It just still felt very lonely. You look around.
the most part everybody’s married everybody has their families they have their health and
Lauren Nguy (29:17.966)
you just feel alone. You feel like your world is caving in and nobody can relate to how it’s making you feel and what is actually going on in your head.
Ellie Ledin (29:27.137)
Sure.
Ellie Ledin (29:38.465)
Hmm.
Lauren Nguy (29:40.024)
like you’re in a room full of people and you just feel isolated.
Ellie Ledin (29:45.642)
Yeah, yeah, I’m gonna read a C.S. Lewis quote and I wonder if this resonates with your experience, but when he was grieving, he wrote that, perhaps the bereaved ought to be isolated in special settlements like lepers. He felt so isolated and felt like he needed to be removed from society because, yeah, nobody got it.
how has dealing with, you know, Brian’s illness and then death felt like for you?
Lauren Nguy (30:26.188)
mean, having kids is also a different factor in and of itself. There have been, like recently we went through a marriage series, a church, which I had never felt more disconnected from.
Ellie Ledin (30:29.857)
Mm.
Ellie Ledin (30:40.033)
Hmm.
Lauren Nguy (30:49.07)
from just like sermons in church more than I have, more than I felt that during those couple of months that we had those series. But I still showed up because my girls, they weren’t talking about marriage in their Sunday school classes. They were learning that God loved them and that God has a future for them. And I needed them to hear that and they needed to hear that.
Ellie Ledin (30:59.809)
Hmm.
Ellie Ledin (31:12.385)
Mm.
Lauren Nguy (31:17.912)
So for me, it looks like still showing up and being a mom and still making sure that my girls get what they need.
Ellie Ledin (31:23.809)
Hmm.
Lauren Nguy (31:29.548)
And I think it’s, sometimes I worry that I haven’t processed my grief, but other times I feel like God’s just making me stronger through it. And this kind of is how I’m meant to process.
Ellie Ledin (31:44.747)
Yeah, kind of living it out day by day, because I’m sure that there’s continual triggers or things that, like the sermon series on marriage, like that is going to press on some wounds that, and this isn’t something that’s ever going to fully heal or like go away. And I, and I’m sure that, you know, that’s not something that you want to go away.
because it’s Brian and it’s your marriage. So yeah, it just seems like a continual healing journey that the Lord is walking with you in. What was your experience like finding inheritance of hope and having conversations with people who are going through a similar experience?
Lauren Nguy (32:39.234)
breath of fresh air. I had no idea that it would be such an important part of our journey.
Ellie Ledin (32:40.449)
Mm.
Lauren Nguy (32:50.2)
when we did our first experience was the Hope at Home weekend. And Brian was in the hospital with COVID. And Beth, Beth Lee, who leads our Hope Hub, she called me after one of the sessions and was like, hey, I want to come watch your girls for you while we do this next session for parents.
Ellie Ledin (32:54.241)
Hmm.
Ellie Ledin (33:07.425)
Mm.
Ellie Ledin (33:18.817)
Mm.
Lauren Nguy (33:19.822)
And I just remember going, where did you come from? I’m like, okay, God, I’m going to let a stranger help me with my kids today, I guess, because they had the last line they said was please reach out if anything could be helpful. And, you know, the girls had been hanging off of me for all of the sessions up to this point. And she was like, I want to I want to come help you in this way. I was like, OK, we’ve had covid. She’s like, I just had covid too. It’s perfect.
Ellie Ledin (33:22.835)
Right.
Ellie Ledin (33:38.41)
Yeah.
Ellie Ledin (33:48.746)
Yeah.
Lauren Nguy (33:49.376)
Okay, come on over. And now Miss Beth is a household name. The girls absolutely adore her. Kaylyn, she’ll wear like a white turtleneck underneath her Hope Hub shirt in the winter. And so Kaylyn needs to wear a white shirt under her t-shirt to be like Miss Beth. I just can’t imagine going through it without Inheritance of Hope.
Ellie Ledin (34:08.479)
That’s amazing.
Ellie Ledin (34:17.889)
Mm.
Lauren Nguy (34:19.874)
We did the Disney legacy retreat too. And I remember crying in Magic Kingdom because of course the girls are hot. They’re two and four, I believe at this point. And they do not want to take any of the photos. And Beth comes up to me, she’s like, are you okay? I’m like, I’m waiting for the magic to happen. Like, this is the most magical place on earth and I want them to have the photos.
Ellie Ledin (34:33.429)
Yeah.
Ellie Ledin (34:37.569)
no.
Ellie Ledin (34:43.969)
You
Lauren Nguy (34:48.546)
that they don’t know that they want right now. But we did. They put together a beautiful book for us where you couldn’t tell that there were so many tears on this trip. And in a perfect world, I would never have taken them to Disney so young. But we had two volunteers with us. One was Andrea, who also leads our Hope Hub, who’s a fellow widow, and having…
Ellie Ledin (34:58.591)
no.
Lauren Nguy (35:18.206)
there and the girls already knew her. It just felt so, it felt like a safe place in the midst of the most chaotic place on earth, I would call it. But we got to experience something and Brian had never been to Disney either. So just having those memories and that time, that time was just very precious because we got back from that and Brian pretty much spent the next six months in the hospital and ended up passing away.
Ellie Ledin (35:26.369)
Right? Yeah.
Lauren Nguy (35:48.526)
But yeah, we still go to Hope Hub every month that we can and we look forward to it. The girls get so much out of it. And it’s just, we drive an hour and a half sometimes too depending on traffic when we have it, but it’s so worth it. I never regret going.
Lauren Nguy (36:12.952)
And just the community of like, I have another wife who sometimes will talk a little bit more, but most of the time will just send each other hearts back. Like, I see you praying for you.
Sometimes that’s enough, you know, it doesn’t need to be a best friend who lives here that knows exactly what I’m going through. But just being able to meet people who are where you are. I remember we were in the one of the other wives, we were in the same focus group on the retreat and
We kind of laughed about this later because we realized we were sitting in a meeting. kind of like separated in caregivers and patients. And we were sitting in this room with all of these husbands. We were the only two wives. But then we realized that our two quiet, reserved husbands were in a room full of breast cancer patients. And we were like, boy.
Ellie Ledin (37:15.617)
Hmm.
Ellie Ledin (37:22.375)
no.
my gosh.
Lauren Nguy (37:29.326)
But even being able to laugh about that later is something that some people might be like, my gosh, how are you laughing about that? But when you’re with somebody who gets it, it’s like you laugh at what you can laugh at and you find humor where you can.
Ellie Ledin (37:51.552)
Yeah, and just having people where you don’t have to really give much context to, you know, just someone who understands the nuances of the stories or the laughter and knows that there’s so much more to the picture, but they also understand. And are you part of any of the Hope at Home groups that meet?
Lauren Nguy (38:15.724)
I have tried to be. The evening ones, I haven’t quite nailed down our bedtime routine to less than an hour and a half. Not yet. And so it’s a little challenging. But there is a life after loss group that I want to make. I’ve been a couple times and it is just the whole gamut, like from kids from my girls’ ages to…
Ellie Ledin (38:17.555)
Okay.
Ellie Ledin (38:23.753)
Mmm.
Ellie Ledin (38:35.263)
Hmm.
Lauren Nguy (38:45.56)
graduating high school going into college. I also have tried doing some of the daytime ones. So I do my best. But there are so many that just are so helpful and so tailored to what everybody’s going through.
Ellie Ledin (38:47.681)
Mm.
Ellie Ledin (38:55.743)
Yeah.
Ellie Ledin (39:07.167)
Yeah, and before we started recording this, I know you were sharing a little bit about your experience as a young widow. Yeah, could you just share a little bit more about what that’s been like for you?
Lauren Nguy (39:21.036)
Yeah, it’s in a world even like within the widow space. It’s a very lonely place to be and a very in between place to be.
think you have the rest of your life with this person and raising a family together and then all of a sudden you’re doing it by yourself and your person’s gone.
So having.
Lauren Nguy (39:58.584)
Let me redo this section. What was the question again?
Ellie Ledin (40:04.819)
Just your experience as a young widow.
Lauren Nguy (40:07.532)
Yeah. It’s very isolating and lonely, especially raising kids because I feel like so many families when they have kids this age, it’s their time as a family. know, like you don’t get a whole lot of outside time and just getting out on your own or even to hang out with friends. People are spending time with their families and I’m spending time with mine.
but I just don’t have a partner there. Like the space where Bryant was supposed to be is empty. And being so young, it feels like I’m in this in-between phase where like I already thought that I figured out what I wanted to be when I grew up, in a sense. And now all of a sudden that dream is gone. And besides…
Ellie Ledin (40:57.249)
Yeah.
Lauren Nguy (41:06.52)
being a mom, is my main focus now and every day. But it’s kind of you’re in between space that nobody really understands. And what I’ve learned also by just looking for resources or community groups or support groups even, there isn’t anything specific that I have found that is faith based because that’s such a huge part of it.
I went to a retreat not long ago.
And it was mostly older people, you know, who have lived their lives, had been married for 50 years and had grown kids and, you know, it was kind of humorous because they had the same place had a silent retreat coming up and they were joking of, well, who would want to go to a silent retreat? And I was like, hello, right here. They’re like, oh, well, it’s not it’s not silent at your house. Like, no, it’s not.
Ellie Ledin (41:47.745)
Hmm.
Ellie Ledin (42:07.777)
Young mom here.
Lauren Nguy (42:14.81)
so, I don’t know. It’s definitely a lonely place because it is the time of life where like kids have so much going on and you know, you see the families and you wish you still had that. You know? and I have some amazing friends who have just included me and the girls on their stuff too.
family and you know we’ll hold the girl’s hands while we’re trick-or-treating or going to the zoo like and that’s really sweet to have in our lives but it can just feel very isolating and very lonely especially as a mom whose kids are dealing with some trauma and just can’t always just get out of the
Ellie Ledin (43:06.113)
Yeah.
Lauren Nguy (43:16.44)
Yeah, they don’t know the definition of personal space.
And so just having, not having a break, an emotional break, because they’re they’re grieving in their own way. And so essentially I’m leading two people through their grief. And that means completely different things for both of them. For Kaylin, it’s staying up at night talking about what we think daddy’s doing in heaven.
Ellie Ledin (43:33.473)
Pray.
Ellie Ledin (43:38.614)
Mm.
Ellie Ledin (43:47.777)
Mm.
Lauren Nguy (43:49.142)
Most the time apparently he’s playing soccer or football and eating chicken wings. Yeah. And for Harper, she just wakes up crying and wants her daddy. And they’re two very just different, different phases of their grief. But it’s exhausting. It’s really exhausting. But it’s also an honor to be the one that
Ellie Ledin (43:51.041)
Sounds good.
Ellie Ledin (44:12.683)
Yeah.
Lauren Nguy (44:19.534)
can be there for them and just remind them that their dad did love them and that God loves them even though they don’t have a dad here on earth. But it is just, it’s so much to carry.
And sometimes I think for them even, it’s looking around and seeing their friends with their mom and their dad at things and they can feel a little like, I don’t know, like they’re the odd man out sometimes with that.
Ellie Ledin (44:56.779)
Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. And I mean, with kids, they are, they are so much happening developmentally and so many transitions already. So then to add grief into the mix, like that’s a lot for a little person to navigate. so that have someone like you supporting them and, just holding space for them while also navigating your own grief would be a full-time job.
Like that is a lot and I’m sure that they probably don’t have words for it yet, but you are helping them navigate something so big just through the love and support and stability that you’re providing. We often hear people want to help, but they don’t know how because in this
It’s almost like I don’t want to say the wrong thing, so I’m not going to say anything. What are some things that people have said or done that were not helpful? And what are some things that were helpful?
Lauren Nguy (46:14.296)
Yeah, I would say the most helpful thing, and even still is helpful,
Anything that takes the guesswork out of it any decisions that have to be made so just One thing I’ve told people is if you get a nudge to do something That’s probably God telling you that that is what we need right now and so If you feel comfortable doing it just do it
Lauren Nguy (46:53.23)
think the most helpful thing was obviously meals because I was just, you know, even still, like, I don’t know. Nighttime comes and I’m like, well, okay, what are we gonna eat? And you try to plan as much as you can, but you know, kids and their appetites change and what they like and don’t like change by the hour. And so meals definitely.
Ellie Ledin (47:13.569)
You
Lauren Nguy (47:22.712)
gift cards, formulas or anything like that.
Lauren Nguy (47:29.908)
even just like a coffee drop off or something like that or sometimes like meeting up with somebody is too exhausting in the middle of everything and it’s one more thing to figure out but at least with my close friends and the people who I allow in my space just coming over and cleaning with me or sitting on the couch like letting our kids play
Ellie Ledin (47:32.918)
Mm.
Lauren Nguy (47:59.842)
Just having that human interaction, adult interaction, means a lot. Some of the things that were not helpful.
Ellie Ledin (48:03.009)
free.
Ellie Ledin (48:10.497)
I’m sure there’s a whole list.
Lauren Nguy (48:12.942)
Well, I the biggest thing that I took away from this cancer journey was that Christians need to be careful with what they say, because what they say can truly impact somebody coming to know God sometimes. And even as a strong Christian, I
caught myself listening to some people who I really respected and some of things that they said and questioning, is my faith really as strong as I think it is? Because they would just say things like, well, all you have to do is pray. And God is a healing God. And those were probably the two biggest things. I’m like, what do think I do every morning and every night?
Every morning, every night, I would be on my knees next to Brian’s chair and we were praying for healing. And eventually I got comfortable enough to kind of push back a little bit on the God is a healing God argument. And people would send me articles of how this person had stage four cancer and miraculously they were healed. And I’m like, you shouldn’t be sending that to somebody because that puts in their head that
Ellie Ledin (49:11.457)
Mm.
Ellie Ledin (49:21.953)
Mm.
Ellie Ledin (49:29.057)
No.
Lauren Nguy (49:35.266)
You know, this is what can happen if you just pray. And that’s not true. It’s not always God.
God’s path for you to experience the healing that you want to heal want to feel and want to happen I mean Brian was healed, but he was healed in heaven and While he is dead to us. He’s living his eternal life in heaven now But just That argument that God is a healing God. Yeah, absolutely we believed
Ellie Ledin (49:54.517)
Right.
Lauren Nguy (50:12.928)
every day that he could have healed him. But we also, with time, saw that the answer was no.
of being okay in that and accepting that and believing that God is still good in the midst of that. But I think those things like the little Christian one-liners too of I don’t know everything happens for a reason at least he’s in heaven are just terrible and I understand that some people don’t know what to say. Don’t say that.
Ellie Ledin (50:40.778)
Yeah.
Ellie Ledin (50:47.424)
Yeah.
Ellie Ledin (50:51.518)
Right.
Lauren Nguy (50:52.846)
Say I’m praying for you, say I love you, give a hug, or don’t say anything at all. Just don’t, you know, just show up at the coffee and be like, look, this stinks. Let me just sit with you. Because the bottom line is, that you don’t know. And nothing you say is really gonna help unless you are somebody in the same place.
Ellie Ledin (51:20.609)
you
Lauren Nguy (51:22.798)
So yeah, I think that was the least helpful. It was, yeah.
Ellie Ledin (51:29.845)
Yeah, I’m sorry that was your experience. I mean that it is tone deaf to hear that in the midst of like a very complicated situation that people saw like a bullet point of I’m sure when there’s a whole novel of what’s happening.
Lauren Nguy (51:47.8)
Yeah. Yeah. And.
Lauren Nguy (52:03.022)
Hey, Maran. Can you guys go upstairs? I’m still on. Thanks. Sorry. I always tend to think of things in terms of if somebody else was experiencing this. So when people would say things like that to me, I would think, if you said that to a non-believer or somebody who is pretty new in their faith.
Ellie Ledin (52:09.525)
No, you’re good.
Ellie Ledin (52:26.763)
Mm-hmm.
Lauren Nguy (52:32.546)
That could be so detrimental to them, to tell them that God is a healing God. And then if God takes their spouse or kid or whoever.
then what are they left thinking? And if that’s their main experience with it, then they’re left going, God didn’t save my husband. Why, what was wrong with me? And so I tend to think of things in those circumstances.
Ellie Ledin (52:45.334)
Right.
Ellie Ledin (52:55.073)
you
Lauren Nguy (53:06.126)
Because I believe that God’s still good. I mean, he has offered so much peace and joy, even in the midst of heart-shattering circumstances. I always, it’s been a learning experience, and I have a unique perspective on things, being on this side of things. Yeah, so I think those.
Ellie Ledin (53:08.107)
Mm-hmm.
Lauren Nguy (53:35.532)
watching what we say and how we say it.
Ellie Ledin (53:36.683)
Hmm.
Ellie Ledin (53:41.236)
Yeah, yeah, what would your message be to someone maybe who’s listening, maybe another young widow or widower? Like what, what do you want people to know in the midst of a difficult situation?
Lauren Nguy (53:59.842)
think the one thing that I have struggled with and one thing that I keep telling myself especially lately is God still has a plan because as women and as moms and wives I feel like we feel like we’ve succeeded for the most part when we have the amazing husband and the kids and that kind of feels like
Ellie Ledin (54:26.219)
Mm.
Lauren Nguy (54:30.114)
the beginning of rest of your life. You you raise the family together. You spend time together once the kids are grown, like you go through all the milestones together. And when that’s taken from you, it you can easily feel like, well, I guess my my Passover, my journey is over. And when you’re 80, 70, even 60,
Ellie Ledin (54:50.091)
Yeah.
Lauren Nguy (54:59.468)
I mean, certain, God always has a plan for you, but it’s a little different when you’re younger and you’re raising these kids by yourself.
But to realize that God still does have a plan. And I was reading in a, I believe it was a Lisa Terkirsch book recently that sometimes God needs you to go through these painful journeys to accomplish the work that he wants to do through you. And I mean, I know Brian’s in heaven. I know where he is.
Ellie Ledin (55:37.281)
Yeah.
Lauren Nguy (55:38.978)
He’s safekeeping like he’s up there. I know I’m going to see him again. And some days that’s enough. Some days it’s not. But knowing that God still has a plan and he’s going to use me and use our story through my girls, through me, it just reignites that hope and realizing that God is still good. We have cancer because we have sin.
Ellie Ledin (55:40.127)
Yeah.
Lauren Nguy (56:08.152)
God didn’t make Brian sick, but he did allow me to go through this journey. He allowed me to lose my husband, but he was also there with me every step of the way, holding me and feeling all of my emotions with me. So I would say give it all to him, whether it’s yelling at him, crying, not even knowing really what you’re feeling.
Our pastor shared the Bible verse Jesus wept and that is
Lauren Nguy (56:49.474)
simple. Like, he felt those emotions. He cried and he’s crying with you when you’re hurting. And he shared a two word prayer that I pray a lot. And it’s Jesus help. And God knows our hearts. He just wants us to hand it to him. And sometimes that means saying, God, just help me. Just help us. So yeah.
Ellie Ledin (56:50.102)
Yeah.
Ellie Ledin (57:05.931)
Hmm.
Ellie Ledin (57:13.696)
Yeah.
Lauren Nguy (57:18.572)
I think those are like the two biggest things, you God has a plan and He’s there, He’s still there with us. I sometimes say, I’m parenting with God now. Like God has taken Brian’s spot and you know, He’s helping me. Like, what do do about this? Come on.
Ellie Ledin (57:26.358)
Yeah.
Ellie Ledin (57:31.487)
Right?
Ellie Ledin (57:41.418)
Yeah, right, that two word verse, Jesus wept, is so simple but so profound. And I think also one thing you named is like the ambiguous emotion of like, am I even feeling right now? And I think for me, for personal experience, like I hate feeling, like I don’t know what I’m feeling because if I know like, I feel sad, here’s this nice prayer or like this is…
But it’s when you’re just a jumbled mess that I feel like it’s just a great opportunity to invite the Lord in and be like, I don’t know what’s going on. You do. And I know you’ve got me in this and I don’t have to explain where I’m at. You know more than I do. And that’s so encouraging to remember.
Lauren Nguy (58:33.048)
Yeah. And I think another thing that’s important to remember is that joy is okay. Like, it’s okay to still feel that joy. And we don’t need to feel guilty about it because it’s straight from God. I had, when Brian was, it became evident the night he passed away that he was, he was gonna die.
Ellie Ledin (58:40.671)
Mm-hmm.
Lauren Nguy (58:59.854)
And so I had texted our pastor and executive pastor and they came over and we were talking about just you know our dating story and laughing and it It’s okay to find joy still in these moments And I feel like sometimes that guilt can take over and you feel like
Ellie Ledin (59:11.499)
Hmm.
Lauren Nguy (59:26.786)
I should still be sad and you are sad, but it’s okay to still especially with kids especially with kids like to me it’s been so important to make sure we still have fun in life and Still live our lives and laugh together and yeah cry together, but laugh together and have a good time and Feel that joy and live in that joy more times than not Some days it’s easier than others
Ellie Ledin (59:32.801)
Mm.
Ellie Ledin (59:51.073)
Mm.
Yeah.
Lauren Nguy (59:56.194)
but.
Ellie Ledin (59:56.552)
Yeah, no kidding. Well, for the last question, we always want to end by asking whose life or death or legacy has been impactful to you?
Lauren Nguy (01:00:11.758)
I mean, obviously Brian has been, has made the biggest impact on my life.
Ellie Ledin (01:00:14.945)
Mm.
Lauren Nguy (01:00:25.134)
He just, he loved people well, but not loudly, if that makes sense. So there were people who came from work, old friends, everywhere to his celebration of life. And a friend of mine told me that they had overheard a few people talking and these people weren’t Christians. They,
Ellie Ledin (01:00:31.305)
Hmm. Yeah.
Lauren Nguy (01:00:53.966)
were living lifestyles that even like you just are not from God like they were not living they weren’t Christian sorry reverse
yeah, obviously Brian’s death has been the most impactful. one thing that was said at his celebration of life was, I think it was a coworker of his talking to other people, just saying how Brian, he knew Brian was a Christian, but he never tried to force his faith on anybody. and he still felt valued and loved.
even though he knew his lifestyle was not anything that the Bible condones and God condones.
Lauren Nguy (01:01:52.55)
And that definitely spoke to me of just like loving people where they’re at. You never know, just even being kind to people and treating them with respect even if their lifestyle isn’t something that you would approve of. Just recognizing that you never know what somebody’s going through.
Ellie Ledin (01:02:00.801)
Mm-hmm.
Lauren Nguy (01:02:23.118)
his death has just impacted every aspect of my life. I knew what I had when I had him and…
Ellie Ledin (01:02:26.336)
Hmm.
Lauren Nguy (01:02:37.676)
didn’t mean our marriage was perfect. It just meant that our marriage was full of grace and truth and he was my best friend. He was the one that I wanted to tell everything to.
and
Yeah, it’s crazy because I couldn’t imagine my life without him in it when we got married. And now I still can’t to some degree. It’s just like, where do I go from here?
Ellie Ledin (01:03:03.766)
Hmm.
Ellie Ledin (01:03:08.021)
Hmm.
Ellie Ledin (01:03:16.321)
Yeah, man, I feel like I want to just keep chatting with you for so long. You have so much wisdom and insight and experience by living through hardship. You know, you don’t have like a fluffy, rosy kind of story. Like it’s it’s real. And I think so many people listening will hear everything you’re saying and be like, that’s me. I hear myself.
Lauren Nguy (01:03:35.406)
you
Ellie Ledin (01:03:45.853)
in what Lauren is sharing. I think that is so unique because obviously any testimony is beautiful and just celebrates the work that the Lord does. But I think there’s something so compelling about a story with grief and loss and navigating things that you never thought you were going to have to navigate.
So I, yeah, I just really am hopeful that people experience that a little less isolation, like you shared after hearing your experience and how you’ve walked through this as a young widow who still loves her husband so much and celebrates his life, his death, his legacy. So thank you for your time and sharing.
Lauren Nguy (01:04:42.542)
Thank you.
