I am finally learning the powerful message of Matthew 6:25 (NIV), a miraculous promise offered by Jesus in the Sermon on the Mount.  It is a passage so may of us have read numerous times, and though we understand the truth in it, we do not accept the promise as our own.

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.  1 Thessalonians 5:22

While I do not believe God gave me this illness, it has been undeniably allowed by Him.  He is capable only of bringing good.  Since the first sin of Eve and Adam we have lived in an imperfect world where bad things happen.  God has allowed this cancer to teach me what is so much more important than my temporary struggle.  I can no longer see this cancer as a bad thing ... too much good has come of it.  I recognize now all the miraculous blessings God has brought out of our struggles, and I am excited to see all the good that God will continue to bring.  Now, as the doctors continue to insist that I am dying, I am happier than I have ever been, and so much more at peace than ever before.  I have an amazing husband, extraordinary children, unbelievably supportive family and friends, and a home full of warmth.  I am having so much fun!  How can I not praise God for every moment and the endless blessings now and to come?  God has shared with me great lessons of trust, faith and the power of prayer.  God has shown me the incredible strength and perseverance of those here that I love.  Most of all, God has shown me how greatly He loves me.  He has made me feel special and whole.  He has shown me my multitude of sins as he has worked to purify me in the fire, and he has simultaneously demonstrated that His unconditional and unimaginably intense love for me stands, regardless of my iniquities.  Just in the past few months, I have felt strongly that God has a further purpose for me.  Isn’t it odd that I would have such a strong conviction now, as the doctors insist that I will soon die?

For the first time in my life, I feel great peace.  I am not concerned about working towards a tomorrow I am unsure I will ever see.  I choose instead to follow God’s lead, and I am confident that He will lead me to incredible places.  I am excited to see where we go together.  I no longer fret over all the tragedies that could befall my children or others I love.  I have given my fears and anxiety over to God, and He has accepted them as His own.  I used to pray that sadness would never touch the lives of my children, and when my cancer was discovered I prayed that this cancer was not hereditary and that they would never be forced to experience what I have experienced.  I no longer pray those prayers.  Though I am unable to bring myself to pray that my children will experience trials, I no longer wish to protect them from hardship.  I certainly do not look forward to seeing them suffering from pain or sadness, but I have seen how God will so greatly bless us in the fire and how this so tremendously enriches our lives.  I want my children’s lives to be rich and full, and I want their relationship with our God to be intimate and unwavering.  These blessings are accomplished in the fire.  My prayer now is that when they do experience trials, as is promised us in James 1:2 (“WHEN you experience trials of many kinds”), they will be surrounded as I have been with loving and supportive family and friends.  And I pray they will quickly be overwhelmed with the peace and love I have felt since my time in the fire.

God continues to refine my understanding of compete faith, or trust in Him.  I have learned not only to trust Him with my present, but also to trust Him with my future, and the future of those I love.  When I faced living my life with the debilitating condition of gastroparesis, I was forced to my knees, offering my life to God, in any way it could still be useful to Him.  That was an amazing lesson.  But when the cancer returned and I faced leaving my children at such a young age, I was forced to realize it was not only my life that had to be entrusted to God.  I have found trusting Him with my family to be much more difficult than trusting Him with myself alone.  While difficult for me to fathom, I know through His promise that He loves my husband Deric and my children, Ashlea, Luke, and Rebecca even more than I do!  It is impossible for me to imagine that anyone could love them as deeply as I, but His love is perfect and absolutely complete for each of us.  And He is not limited by death.  There is nothing that will keep Him from caring for my family.